We Know Who the Next 'Bachelor' Is Going to Be

If you watched the Bachelorette's Men Tell All special last night, then a) you deserve a high-five for sitting through that exercise in tedium and b) you totally know who's going to be the next Bachelor. When we weren't rehashing the season and trying to squeeze some drama out of non-drama, we were being forced a big, fat, heaping spoonful of Desire Hartsock's reject, Juan Pablo. Chris Harrison practically shoved the Venezulean soccer player down our throats.

It seemed a little weird how much airtime he was given, considering he barely had a role on the show. He didn't even have a one-on-one date, for crying out loud! Juan Pablo's only claim to fame is that he made fun of Des' American accent. Other than that, he was just some fit blonde in the background who managed to stay attractive regardless of his weak story line and the never-discussed fact that he's cross-eyed.

But leave it to ABC to try and make us feel something for Juan Pablo, a man we hardly know. The special was basically all about how amazing he is — he's a devoted dad, he's looking for love, he's there for the right reasons, but is also quick to make friends — it was as if Juan Pablo is the second coming. I mean, they zoomed in on him winking at Des. Winking. This guy couldn't have gotten better editing if he tried.

Then there were his fans. Girls in the audience were obviously given "we love Juan Pablo" shirts to wear and teddy bears to hold and fake tears to cry — there's just no other explanation. I refuse to believe those women felt so compelled by J.P.'s measly run on the Bachelorette to express such strong emotion for him.

All this Juan Pabloness can only mean one thing: they're setting him up to be the next Bachelor. And if you think about, it makes sense. It's not like Chris or Drew can carry the show. Brooks could, maybe, but it looks like he's going to win. And they won't let James "I Wanna Be the Bachelor" be the Bachelor, even though I'd totally support it.

There's Zak, but that guy ... yikes. I can't be the only one who finds his earnestness, his spray tan, and his spiky teeth to be total turn-offs. Sure, he's nice and sweet, I guess, but all that singing and all that smiling ... it's cloying and it needs to not be on TV any longer.

Juan Pablo's our only choice. Get ready for January, kids, when ABC will be sure to Latin-out the Bachelor house with as much stereotypical South American stuff they can dig up. They'll milk this for all it's worth.