'RuPaul's Drag Race's Glitter Ball Falls Flat, Ends Frustratingly, Is Narrowly Saved by Puppets

Let's be honest, guys: This week's episode of RuPaul's Drag Race was boring. Or — well — compared to other shows that are entirely devoid of wigs and sequins and Michelle Visage, it was a perfectly pleasant way to spend an hour (though seriously, Logo, you have got to switch up that commercial lineup a little — more Boy Butter, less Alyssa Edwards, bless her backrolls). But compared to other episodes this season, to seasons past, to what I expect out of these five finalists, the sparks failed to fly. In fact, they barely hovered.

What I'm trying to say is, this was the Hindenburg of Drag Race weeks, in that what should have been a sparkly extravaganza — I mean, come on, with a name like "The Glitter Ball"...! — ended up in dull rehash: another off-the-shoulders neckline from Bianca, another verse of the "DeLa's a showgirl, Courtney's too pretty" critique jingle, another year where "Executive Realness" is gloriously misinterpreted (how Adore won after violating our corneas with that ill-fitting faux pantsuit is beyond me). Not even the good ol' Pick Someone to Go Home trick stirred up anything noteworthy; where Vivacious slayed with "#ShadyApes," Darienne gave us "I really honor all of your opinions." Barf, I say — simply, barf. And to top it all off, the guest judge was a repeat (hi, Khloe).

That said, there were a few brief notables, some good, some "?!?!?!," all enumerated herein:

THE GOOD

  • DeLa's righteous comeback to Darienne's "I'm being real": "And your real self is hateful." Mic, dropped.
  • I feel like I should put Bob Mackie on this list, but instead I'm going to put Bianca's endorsement of Bob Mackie, which could essentially be boiled down to "HE PUT LAMÉ ON EVERY GAY ICON, THO."
  • Okay, the puppet mini-challenge was actually pretty funny — Bianca's "paaaartyyy"-ing Adore, Adore's pitch-perfect DeLa, DeLa's enamel-toothed Bianca, Darienne's backdoor-bitchy Courtney ("It's not that your clothes are bad, it's just that your body is misshapen"), et al. <img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/207/48c9b220-b18f-0131-6e16-128892c2393b.gif?w=320"/> Mostly, though, it gave me an excuse to play the sock puppets scene from Workaholics to drown out the 19th Orbitz commercial of the night (crossover Drag Race-Workaholics demographic, get at me — all five of you):
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  • I do love it when Michelle and Santino bicker; I feel it brings us ever closer to the inevitable day when she stands up, walks over, and slams his head into the desk repeatedly while screeching about her days as a "B Girl."

THE ?!?!?!

  • If anyone can explain to me why Adore walked down the runway like a malfunctioning Fembot, I will send you a lifetime supply of Boy Butter. (Or why she won. Or what any of it had to do with diamonds.)
  • The DeLa-Bianca vocabulary feud — which will henceforth be known as "Sailgate" — was worth maybe 45 seconds of the 10 minutes of screen time devoted to it.
  • The fact that Darienne Lake is still in this competition.

Because really now, if nothing else, the cyan stripes up the legs of that jumpsuit were just patently unacceptable. Sure, DeLa's showgirl schtick was tired, but at least her big finish didn't look like one of those "sexy bikini lady" tourist trap t-shirts left out too long on the beach. That dress made me use the term "FUPA," and I hate the term "FUPA," but alas, it was woefully all too appropriate. Apparently, these days, if you drag wretchedness across the runway, but then admit that it was wretched, you're more worthy of competing than the predictably polished. Let me briefly issue the sigh heard 'round the world, then perhaps turn back to Workaholics, because at least those dudes know how to party.

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