Justin Bieber Unfollows Selena Gomez & Now We Must Imagine a World Without Jelena
In a story that could only be more 2014 if I were reporting it from Google Glass, Justin Bieber just unfollowed Selena Gomez on Instagram in the wake of what shall henceforth be known as Jennergate. In case you haven't been keeping up with the nitty gritty of who's following who, Selena Gomez recently unfollowed besties Kendall and Kylie Jenner, the latter of whom reportedly sent some x-rated texts to the Biebs, before Selena went ahead and unfollowed everyone else on Instagram, too. Maybe she just needed to clear her mind, or maybe she was covering her Jenner-unfollowing tracks, but either way, it looks like Bieber decided to return the favor.
This does not bode well for the future of the ultra-entity known as "Jelena".
The last time Jelena split, Justin Bieber went from being Canada's sweetheart to an international terror. Selena had to check into treatment to deal with the pain. Break-ups are never fun or easy, but these two seem to take it especially hard. Granted, most break-ups aren't broadcast the world over, to the jeering, delight, and anguish of the unwashed masses, but still, we need to really think about what this means.
Here are a few predictions for what the official end of Jelena will bring:
— SO many selfies of The Biebs being sad and shirtless. So. Many.
— Selena will record a stripped-down break-up album which many will agree is her best album yet.—Justin Bieber will start dating Kylie Jenner officially, and will thereby ingratiate himself to the Kardashian family. He'll be Kylie's date to the Kimye wedding, even though, early prediction, Kanye will come to really resent having someone with an even bigger ego than himself around.
— Selena will have a brief party girl phase, and at least one fling with an older guy. My money's on Jake Gyllenhaal.
— The Biebs will break up with Kylie and go on a downward spiral that culminates in an arrest. His subsequent comeback tour doesn't make as much money as the producers were hoping.
— Selena will get super spiritual. Maybe she'll bring back Kabbalah. Remember Kabbalah?
— They will continue to insist that they are never getting back together (sing it, T-Swift), but inevitably, they'll find their way back into each other's increasingly tattooed arms.
It's the circle of liiiiiife, you guys! So look out, world.