Mariah Carey's "Self-Portrait" Needs This Here Over Analysis — PHOTO

Late Wednesday night, Mariah Carey finally announced the title and release date of her 14th studio album: it’s called Me. I Am Mariah…The Elusive Chanteuse , it’s coming out on May 27, and I have SO MANY QUESTIONS. First, “The Elusive Chanteuse”? What the hell does that mean? Is Carey herself elusive or have the charts just eluded her for the past several years? (Burn!) Second, what in the Photoshopped hell did they do to her body on the cover?? Carey’s legs look as though they are sculpted from Mattel plastic — I can see my reflection in her tiny, greased up thighs. And her mid-section? Carey has had two children and the rest of us have EYES: she does not look like that anymore! Actually, I’m not sure that she ever did.

So there I was, just minding my own business, cackling like Cruella de Vil over the album’s ridiculous title and cover art, when I just happened to innocently click the “Play” button on the promotional YouTube video Carey put out with her announcement — and I THREW MY LAPTOP ACROSS THE ROOM. There, on my very own computer screen, was the most terrifying drawing I had ever seen in my entire life: Carey’s “first and only” self-portrait that she drew when she was supposedly only 3-years-old. Was my computer cursed now? Would a demon try to possess me if I used the keyboard? I strung a clove of garlic around my neck, grabbed a steak knife from the kitchen, and retrieved my laptop with extreme caution.

You know in horror movies when a young married couple moves into a new house and they’re happy at first but then all sorts of crazy stuff starts happening at night? And the couple’s 3-year-old daughter is all like, “Oh, don’t be scared, that’s just my imaginary friend”? And her parents are all like, “Draw us a picture of your imaginary friend,” and everyone is SHOCKED and APPALLED by the results?? That’s what the f*@# this picture looks like.

In fact, I’m not so sure this is a self-portrait at all, but rather, a portrait of the ghost who haunted Carey throughout her childhood. Look, she even tried to write its name to the right in yellow marker! It’s just scrawled in some sort of ancient ghost tongue humans can't understand. It's titled, "Me. I am Mariah," because this particular ghost was trying to take over Carey's body! I see it all so clearly.

Don’t let the heart and the star fool you, this thing is pure evil. Check out its abnormally long arms! The better to grab you with, my dear! It looks exactly like Freddy Krueger in the first A Nightmare on Elm Street movie. I mean, it doesn’t even have hands — it has fierce green claws! And, oh my gosh, what is it holding in its left paw? ...Is that a pack of Marlboro Reds? So not only is this thing a ghost, it’s also a bad influence! Its dress (which looks a little north of the knee, if you ask me) is SPATTERED with the blood of its victims. Don’t even get me started on that giant, menacing beauty mark.

I was planning on buying Carey’s new album, but not with this ghoul lurking on the back cover! I’m not trying to bring a horcrux into my home. I might consider purchasing a digital copy, but even that feels risky at this point. Mariah, I wish you nothing but the best, but I simply cannot support or condone whatever is going on here. You can check out the YouTube video where this thing lives below, but you might want to call a priest first. I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight.

Mariah Carey on YouTube

Image: YouTube