Every year, for two momentous days, old timey drinks like mint juleps and ridiculous hats like these insane things come back into style because the Kentucky Derby takes over a full 48 hours (even though the races last mere minutes). Naturally, one of the best ways to spend all that extra time in between sweet bourbon beverages and complementing your friends' getups is to learn every ridiculous name on that roster of Kentucky Derby horses, and in 2014 there are some doozies.
Besides, it seems that the stranger and more striking the horse's name, the more likely it is they'll win (see: my betting strategy every single year). In the past few years alone, we've seen Orb take the title in 2013, I'll Have Another in 2012, and my personal favorite, Thunder Gulch in 1995. But looking through the long and storied list of winners, I couldn't help but notice that some of these unimaginable monikers read a lot like a list of some of Hollywoods finest baby names. (Read between the lines, my friends.) I played this game last year, with the 2013 Kentucky Derby horses, but I'm at it again because where there are inflated egos, stupid amounts of money, and lime light, there are ridiculous celebrity baby names and no one is ever going to stop giving these poor horses names like "His Eminence" (the 1901 winner, if you were wondering).
Now, we'll give you the names, and figure out which one is a celebrity offspring and which one is the horse. Ready, set, go:
ROUND 1: Pop Culture-Inspired
1. Danza is a Kentucky Derby horse, not to be confused with Tumblr's best kept secret, Pony Danza.
2. Kal-El is not just a character from Superman, he's also Nicolas Cage's son. Just imagine that parent-teacher conference.
Round 2: Inspired By Southeast Asia
- Everest Hobson
1. Everest, named after the infamous peak in Nepal, is actually the daughter of George Lucas, which means she's definitely got the best Star Wars toys.
2. Samraat is a Kentucky Derby horse with a Hindu name that means "emperor," though the owner seems to have given this could-be champ and auxiliary "a" for some unknown reason.
Round 3: Names With a Little Too Much Hubris
- General A Rod
- Brave Littlewing
1. General A Rod is not the offspring of a certain infamous New York Yankee, but rather a horse hoping to nose ahead of the pack this weekend.
2. Brave Littlewing is a human girl and the daughter of actress Cree Summer, making her full name Brave Littlewing Summer. It's like it's own melody, isn't it?
Round 4: The Fierce & Mighty Ones
- Bear Blu
1. Bear Blu is not a lively equine creature. As if! Bear is the child of Cher Horowitz, or more specifically, actress Alicia Silverstone. (Who is clearly not a virgin who can't drive.)
2. Vinceremos seemed like it could be a celebrity baby name — after all Jermajesty is a real name on Jermaine Jackson's son's birth certificate — but V. is, in fact, a horse.
Round 5: The Lively Bunch
- Bear Rocknroll
1. This was a bit of a trick question: Hoppertunity was a Kentucky Derby horse, but he was scratched and is no longer in the running.
2. Bear Rocknroll is Kate Winslet's son and because she's perfect, she kind of brought us around on the whole "child named after a woodland creature" trend.
Round 6: Names That We Simply Cannot Comprehend
- Ace Knute
1. We can thank Ms. Chicken of The Sea for this one: Ace Knute is the offspring of Jessica Simpson.
2. Chitu is a horse and according to Ancestry.com, the name is a common surname in Hawaii.
Round 7: Seemingly Insulting Boy Names Edition (Rude!)
- Candy Boy
1. Candy Boy is, thankfully, a horse's name — though that really doesn't stand as a decent excuse. How anyone names anything that is beyond me.
2. Charlie-Ballerina is Jeremy Sisto's daughter and her adorable nickname is "Charlie B."
Round 8: The Ones That'll Get You Tongue Tied
- Pablo Del Monte
- Mingus Reedus
1. Pablo Del Monte is not only completely unrelated to the delicious little fruit cups, he's also a Kentucky Derby Horse.
2. Mingus Reedus is the son of The Walking Dead's Norman Reedus, who apparently enjoys the art of rhyme.
Round 9: The Ones Who Sound Like Military Operations
- Wicked Strong
1. While it seems like Ben Affleck might love Boston so much he'd name a kid after its favorite verbal flourish, Wicked Strong is a horse.
2. And Valor is Emile Hirsch's son. Here's hoping the tyke can live up to a name that is dripping with high expectations.
Round 10: The Really, Really Ridiculously Pleasant
- Petal Blossom Rainbow
- Intense Holiday
1. Petal Blossom Rainbow hails from England, where her father Jamie Oliver makes delicious, rustic meals from his own garden. So, I guess the name isn't all that surprising after all.
2. While Intense Holiday has a tinge of "True Isabella Summer" (Forrest Whitaker's daughter) to it, Intense (that's an appropriate nickname, right?) is a horse racing for the gold.
Images: Giphy (10); Amazon.com