I’ve been a pet owner for most of my life, so I’m generally pretty well acquainted with the sorts of things dogs and cats both like and need (have you heard of dog GPS??). The older I get, though, the more firmly I become convinced that the pet accessories market isn’t actually geared towards giving your pet the best home life they can have. It’s geared towards letting pet owners do absolutely insane things to their animal pals. At this point, it’s a wonder that our pets haven’t all risen up against us in a gigantic, furry uprising, forcing us to suffer the indignities to which we’ve subjected them all these years. I mean, just look at that face up there. It's like he's saying, "Why do you do these to me? Just... whyyyyyy?"
To be honest, though, I had no idea how bad things had gotten… until now. Just a tiny little bit of Googling brings up a whole host of batshit crazy accessories you can get for your pets, from fashion and beauty picks to what’s got to be, hands down, the weirdest surgical procedures I’ve ever heard of. No, seriously. Just wait for it. You’ll know it when you see it. I honestly can’t believe these things exist.
Would you ever consider getting any of these wacky accessories for your dog or cat? I wouldn’t, but maybe that’s just me…
These actually aren’t as nuts in theory as they look in practice. If your cat is scratching up all your furniture, but you don’t want to put the poor thing through getting his claws removed, SoftClaws are a nice compromise: They’re soft little caps that go over each claw individually, allowing your cat to scratch and scratch and scratch without ruining anything. That said, though, I cannot get over the fact that SoftClaws make it look like you’ve given your cat acrylic nails.
2. OPI Pawlish Nail Polish for Dogs
There is, however, absolutely no excuse for dog nail polish.
3. Porch Potty
I see this Porch Potty thing in the SkyMall catalogue every time I fly, and each and every time, I just go, “…Huh?” I mean, on the one hand, I can understand the convenience; but what if you don’t actually have a porch for it to go on? Would you really want to have your dog peeing on something in such close proximity to your living quarters? What about those embedded sprinklers? Won’t they kind of, y’know, ruin anything around them? But hey, at least there’s an odor eliminator liquid you can squirt all over the thing to stop it from actually smelling like dog pee — which is more than I can say for this:
4. Designer Litter Box Enclosure
Your cat’s litter box may be out of sight, but trust me. It will not be out of smell, no matter how much baking soda you put in it.
5. Puppy Tweets
If you’ve ever thought, “Gee, I wish my dog could use Twitter — I’m sure everyone wants to know exactly what my darling little Pookie is saying every time she starts barking for no apparent reason!”, you’re in luck: That’s exactly what Puppy Tweets does. From the strange and unnecessary device’s website: “As your puppy moves, barks, eats, and plays throughout the day, motion activity is sensed by the tag and transmitted to the Puppy Tweets USB receiver on your home computer. Your dog’s activity triggers one of 500 humorous tweets to be broadcasted to Twitter.” Personally, I prefer the Far Side theory on dog language:
6. Rear Gear
Great. Just what your dog needs: Something to make it feel embarrassed about the fact that it has an anus. Guess what? So do you, Human. Would you want one of these things pasted over your arse? No? I didn’t think so.
7. Cardboard Cat Playhouse
Brings a whole new meaning to “If I fits, I sits” — namely, “If I fits, I pretend to be a fighter pilot and face off against Snoopy-as-the-Red-Baron in an epic battle that will be spoken about in awed whispers for generations to come.”
Has your pet been feeling a little… well… neutered since you had that nasty old veterinarian chop off his balls? Good news! Now you can restore your Fido’s or Mittens’ sense of masculinity without any of the furniture humping! Available for both dogs and cats, Neuticles are exactly what you think they are: Synthetic testicle implants. The fact that the Kardashians gave their dog, Rocky, a pair should surprise no one.
9. Raptor Pet Costume
Now here’s how you make your pet feel like a beast without subjecting him to a totally unnecessary surgical procedure. Rawr.
10. Hot Doll Sex Toy for Dogs
Or, y’know, don’t fix him at all and give him one of these instead. It beats having Rex hump your leg all the time, right?