19 Things We'd Watch Before 'I Slept with a Celeb'

So there's this new TV show that Andy Cohen is shopping around town, and it's called I Slept with a Celebrity . Which, despite its terrible vague title, is fairly straightforward: people will gossip about the time they may or may not have gotten some from a semi-famous-ish person. Which sounds just about terrible.

Now, farbeit for us to speak ill will about the King of Mazels, but this idea for this show is up there as one of The Worst. Like, ever. It's format, premise, and general existence is pretty disgusting and exploitative and gross. (Not to mention super weird!) Because celebrities' personal lives are already a clusterfuck of overstated and under-respected boundary-pushing. We're already exhausted by the nonstop, speculative to the point of just making shit up "reporting" that tabloids and the like do when it comes to celebrity schtup-habits. So we're not sure this is really what anyone in America wants. Or at least they shouldn't.

We're not saying everything has to be Breaking Bad or Mad Men, but jeez, right?

There's no escaping the fact that this all sounds awful. And there are plenty of things we'd rather watch than some wannabe starfucker going on and on about the one time they let Kid Rock stick it in near the fryolater at Planet Hollywood, y'knowwhatimean? In fact we've rounded up a couple ideas for things we'd far prefer to watch in its stead. Like...

1. Two birds chirping at their own reflection until one of them realizes there's food in a feeder nearby and flies away

2. A full 24 hours of DogTV

3. The self-cleaning cycle of an oven. In real time.

4. Watermelons sitting quietly on a picnic table.

5. A young child coming to the startling realization that Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny are not real.

6. That Oberyn Martell scene over and over again.

7. Pretzels burning in an oven.

8. A gathering of mimes breaking down in mime-tears.

9. Two rollaway beds crashing into each other in an anti-climatic fashion.

10. The birth of a pimple.

11. A pimple-popping contest

12. A mouse that cannot find any cheese.

13. Someone going through the process of diagnosing a gluten intolerance.

14. Your Great Uncle Bob's thirteenth bunion procedure.

15. The rain in Spain falling mainly on the plain.

16. Barely-dry laundry flopping in the air on a clothesline after a particularly gusty wind.

17. A burp-off consisting of a single person.

18. A pre-recorded loop of Ron Jeremy performing the in-flight safety instructions on a Delta airplane.

19. A child waiting for a Whac-a-mole that never comes.

Image: Giphy [7]