In a scandal that might shatter your entire existence, it's been revealed that celebrated breakfast hero Cap'n Crunch is living a lie and dragging all of us down with him: Cap'n Crunch is a commander, not a captain. Since the cereal was introduced in 1963, its jolly mascot has been going around calling himself a captain and saying captain-y things like "All hands on deck!" Last year, a food blogger discovered that he doesn't deserve to be called Cap'n at all.
A Foodbeast blogger made the history-changing discovery that Cap'n Crunch's uniform only has three stripes on the cuffs. Three stripes! A Naval captain's uniform actually has four stripes. Three stripes are for commanders. So what's the deal, "Cap'n" Crunch? Is Crunch even your real last name?
The Wall Street Journal decided to probe deeper into this monumental scandal by launching an investigation with the cooperation of the U.S. Navy and the Pentagon. "We have no Cap’n Crunch in the personnel records — and we checked," Lt. Commander Chris Servello, director of the U.S. Navy’s news desk at the Pentagon, told WSJ. "We have notified NCIS and we’re looking into whether or not he’s impersonating a naval officer — and that’s a serious offense."
Not only is this a serious offense for the U.S. military, but think of the children. Their young and impressionable minds don't deserve to be subjected to these lies. They're already being hypnotized by the Cap'n's blank, soulless stare every time they go to the grocery store. How much more can they take? What will these cereal corporations tell them next? That they allowed that poor rabbit to have Trix once in a while? Just ask his therapist if that's really true.
Even after the shocking uniform discovery and WSJ's investigation, Cap'n Crunch refused to admit to his fraudulent ways. The guy had the nerve to tweet flimsy defenses that were slightly mocking in tone.
What does that even mean? "It's the Crunch — not the clothes — that make a man." That makes no sense, guy. And in the case of uniform rank insignia, it's exactly the clothes that make a man, or should I say, make a captain.
Now that this alarming truth has been unearthed, it made us wonder what other terrifying facts are lurking beneath the surface of Cap'n America's sugary facade.
- His real name is Horatio Magellan Crunch, but nobody's ever seen the original copy of his birth certificate.
- He was born on Crunch Island in the Sea of Milk, "a magical place with talking trees, crazy creatures and a whole mountain (Mt. Crunchmore) made out of Cap’n Crunch cereal." Not only does this sound like a drug-induced hallucination, but further investigations made by the Bustle team revealed no such place on the official world atlas.
- He lives on his ship, the S.S. Guppy, with a pet named Sea Dog, whom he forces to perform songs on command.
- His Napolean-style hat suggests that he might be — gasp! — French.
- And his arch nemesis is a pirate named Jean LeFoote, a name that sounds more French than Gérard Depardieu.
- According to the cereal's website, Cap'n Crunch went missing for 22 years from 1985 to 1997. There's no information about this time period and what he was doing during these years. Raises a lot of eyebrows, doesn't it?
- And speaking of eyebrows, Cap'n Crunch has a sinister agenda for world domination: he wants to move everyone's eyebrows.
(If that didn't make you shudder, then you may not be human.)
- There's evidence that Cap'n Crunch has impersonated other prominent figures as well.
- Early advertisements suggested that the cereal is "great for breakfast or even lunch." In 2011, Quaker and parent company PepsiCo dropped the cereal from its marketing roster due to its high sugar content and its contribution to child obesity.