I'm actually weeping a little bit right now because the day has finally come when cats are considered legitimate celebrities, and I have been waiting for this moment for pretty much ever. Finally, finally, on Christmas we will have the chance to stare lovingly into the eyes of a cat that does not even remotely care about us, which means pretty much everything I ever wanted in television is about to happen. Yes, Grumpy Cat is doing a Lifetime original movie, and given that it is an adventurous tale in which she will communicate with a 12-year-old girl who finally pays attention to her after years of pet-store-window neglect, you pretty much already know it's going to be life-changing.
But then there's the all important question: which actor or actress is worthy of giving voice to the most famous cat of our generation? Who is strong enough to voice the cat that spawned a million bazillion memes? Is there anyone grumpy enough on this large green planet to truly represent the I-do-not-give-a-single-fuck-ness that lays behind Grumpy Cat's unreadable eyes?
Here are my top picks. Love them or hate them, but in the spirit of Grumpy Cat herself, feel free to just be mostly miffed by the selections, but overall sort of indifferent.
1. Queen Latifah
I see a movie about a teeny tiny cat with a whole lot of personality.
2. Joel McHale
I swear they look kind of alike.
Plus, if his turn as Jeff Winger is anything to go by, McHale does grumpy very, very well indeed.
3) Gilbert Gottfried
I know, this one is contraversial, given that Gottfried's voice is somewhat of a acquired taste, however, remember how hilarious he was as Iago in Aladdin? No one does grumpy quite like Gilbert Gottfried, in my humble opinion at least.
4) James Earl Jones
There is no rhyme or reason to this choice, other than the fact that James Earl Jones' voice is like melted chocolate being poured over pearls and there will never be enough parts for JEJ to read and that's a fact. Plus, this would just be so genuinely shocking for everyone who has ever watched Lifetime, it would be worth it just for the first moment the cat speaks. So worth it.
5) Lisa Kudrow
Grumpy cat, grumpy cat, whattttt aaaaare they feeding you?
6) Kevin Kline
Kevin Kline forever.
7) Steve Carell
Even though Carell is now a serious actor who acts in serious movies versus wackier movies, which may or may not involve chest waxing and/or taxidermy mice, I feel like the spirit of Grumpy Cat lies dormant inside of him, just waiting to be let out.
8) Melissa McCarthy
This would be so good because Melissa McCarthy is not afraid of committing in order to make the joke, and I am of the opinion that whoever is going to voice Grumpy Cat is going to have to really throw themselves into this whole I'm-making-a-Lifetime-movie-and-I'm-playing-the-lead-who-is-a-cat thing.
9) Seth Rogen
Just look at him, he's all furry and cute and cuddly, just like a cat, if a cat could be a 6-foot-tall pothead with a really spectacular laugh. This could be a match made in heaven.
10) Judi Dench
Grumpy Cat could be a British export, potentially, in which case, Dame Judi could carry off the part of a disinterested kitty with aplomb.
11) Helen Mirren
Just kidding, you can't have only one British option on this list. Helen Mirren would be the sassy cat to Judi Dench's sophisticated voyeur, which is to say either would be totally amazing. Besides, looking at her doing a little paw sign with her hand above, she was made for this role.