EUROPE, everybody! That's right -- Bachelorette season ten is finally out of America and back to the Mother Continent. The wine is crisper, the romance more palpable, and the chance for tears magnified by about a thousand percent. We've reached the point on our Bachelorette journey (and you're required by law to call it a "journey") where all the red shirts have been totally eliminated and all that's left, in theory, are guys Andi could really and truly see herself with.
...Now we obviously know that's NOT THE CASE and there are in fact, like, three guys (Josh M. and Nick V., douchenozzle, among them) truly competing for Andi's "heart" or whatever. But we go along with the charade that Marquel stands any chance at going home with the W. Maybe he'll become the next Bachelor, and the first black Bachelor at that? You reach a point in the season where you're just clinging to the possibility of minor triumphs.
9:52pm: The Rose Ceremony
Sling crapped out on me yet again, as it always does, the most dependably undependable thing in my entire life next to Comcast, so I only have IMAGES to go on when it comes to writing who went home. I saw:
- That other guy
- And maybe Marquel [UPDATE: Yes, Marquel]
I literally can't even tell you who went home, that is how awful Sling is. See you next week!
9:39pm: Decision Time at the Chateau Porte Royal
"I'm feeling a lot of different emotions!" says Andi, accurately. In a Rapunzel-esque hairdo, she tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't feel there needs to be a cocktail party tonight. "I'm very sure about the relationships that aren't going anywhere." UH OH THESE GUYS ARE GONNA BE PISSED.
Marquel: "It's just really important that I get one-on-one time with Andi." AHHHHHHH. "No one's confident now," says the one guy I'm confident will be going home, but whose name I can't for the life of me remember.
9:27pm: "Let's leave the cooking to the movies"
You thought the awkward date was over. But it's not! Lots of great puns about The Hundred-Foot Journey to follow, along with what is clearly not a great meal. "There's no flavor." YIKES.
...So Andi and Brian scrap the meal and hit a nearby restaurant instead. Andi still wants to give it a chance, and offers Brian the Rose in spite of all the evidence that she should probably not. Nice rebound, Brian! Then Brian grabs her face and kisses her. Dude, get more moves.
9:15pm: Andi and Brian take their *own* 'Hundred-Foot Journey'
"Brian's just easy, and fun." FAMOUS LAST WORDS. They enjoy an advance screening of The Hundred Foot Journey, which in no way serves as product placement for ABC. Five full minutes of Helen Mirren and lighthearted French romance. "There's a recipe to great food and a recipe for great love," says Andi, not scripted.
But forget about this date -- Andi's got a siiiiiick Marseilles apartment, perfectly calibrated for cooking and romance. But the conversation wanes. "Are you a cheese guy?" "Yes."
"We could not be further apart right now," says Andi. "It's not very romantic."
9:04pm: Marquel confronts Andrew
OH CHRIST ALMIGHTY MARQUEL IS GOING TO CONFRONT ANDREW IN FRONT OF ALL OF THESE GUYS. No longer excited about this one.
Andrew claims he's never said anything so offensive in his entire life. "Whatever you've been told is complete bullshit. I swear to God I didn't say that." Marquel doesn't quite get quite the answer he's looking for, but backs off.
Andrew admits to Andi that all the drama with the guys is actually affecting his ability to connect with, you know, the woman he's there to romance.
Rose goes to JJ, crushing Nick ("some people are probably pretty pissed off that I have the Rose right now"), probably not affecting Cody or his thankfulness levels, and giving that one guy another reason to talk about "what it means to be a gentleman" at the next cocktail party.
8:52pm: GAME ON, FELLAS
"We try to keep it drama-free," says Marcus, but everyone knows shit has just moved to the next level. Cody points out that Nick's walking around like a douchenozzle. Of course then these other douchenozzles are going on about how "arrogance is not a quality a gentleman has," and it's all I can do to not roll my eyes 180 degrees inside my head.
Cody keeps going, invoking a classic Bachelor/Bachelorette conversational volley with a lot of "let me finish"es and "no, I'm speaking now"s. Cody reiterates to Andi how "thankful he is to be there" and how upset he is to have been made fun of for that thankfulness. UGGHH THESE GD BABIES.
"It's pretty shocking that two of the nicest guys in the house are saying these things about Nick." And then Andi draws on her lawyering expertise to get the truth out of Nick. Nick, sensing the ship about to crash into the iceberg, reads Andi a poem he's written. Not much of a reaction from Andi.
"It got complicated with Nick tonight."
8:38pm: How do you mime "fast forward"?
Miming: "it's very unique to the French culture!" Dylan says miming is "way harder than it looks," which I'm sorry but I can't believe with much of my brain. Then again -- I'd never want to mime in public. So all the hat tips (which mimes can do!) in the world to these guys putting themselves out there in a big (mimes a fat person) way. Horizontal stripes just don't work for me.
One guy DOESN'T look happy, and it's Nick V. -- Captain Sulky, who's bummed to be on this group date in the first place. He feels it's unnatural, which it is, but you signed up for a f**king game show, Nick. If you want to find love the normal way, just go to the sushi bar at Whole Foods.
8:00pm: Josh defends the pro athlete lifestyle
Just tuning in now, so I have no idea what Andi and Josh (M.) did on their date. Something European, presumably. Grape-stomping? Heavy smoking? Whatever they did, they both seem to have enjoyed themselves. Andi reveals that Josh is sort of exactly her type (PRO ATHLETE), all while Josh stares directly into her eyes without losing contact, or blinking, for even a moment.
"I feel like I've known you for so long, in such a good way," says Josh. Which makes sense when you haven't dated someone in five years! "We are two kids from Atlanta, two miles apart..." says Andi, and oh boy there is a STRONG chance that Josh M. is going to take it all.
Tonight's private concert: Ben Fields, no relation to Ben Folds
Meanwhile, and more important than any of the above conversation: Marquel grappling with what he should say to Andrew, who he heard called him "blackie." Leave it to the inevitable confrontation, of course, before we jump to conclusions. But if Andrew did say it -- well shit, man. Are you serious?