You might want to sit down for this news. Seriously, take my word for it. Big Ang from Mob Wives had a garage sale at her house in Staten Island this weekend. And unless you follow her on social media and/or were just in the neighborhood, you missed out. Honestly, it’s a miracle that I’m able to type at the moment, because my disappointment at not being there is paralyzing. There is not a shred of irony in this statement. I'm experiencing the horror of FOMO nightmares come true. The pain is excruciating.
All weekend, Big Ang was blowing up Twitter and Instagram with updates on the sale. She was obsessed with it, which is about as amazingly absurd and entertaining as she is herself. But really, if there is anything to become obsessed with, it’s mash-up of flea markets and Mob Wives. Tweets came forth from her handle like clockwork — basically every hour on the hour, she was marketing the event. This garage sale was intensely exciting for our gravelly-voiced reality TV Greek chorus member, and God knows she's not the type to play coy. We expect that many shots were taken and that much LMFAO was played.
If you stopped by, you would’ve had the pleasure of looking at a candy portrait of Mob Wives’ favorite tipsy conscientious objector. The whole neighborhood came out to take part in the fun. There was even a DJ and a candy portrait of Mob Wives’ favorite tipsy conscientious objector herself. Ugh, SO much glorious grotesqueness! On day one of the bonanza, she even confessed to keeping the sale open late because she was having so much fun drinking with the customers. Seriously… This all happened right under your friggin’ nose!
Here's what we know about the event, owing to her amazing citizen journalism. In spite of your sadness at missing out, the coverage is entertaining in its own right.
There was a DJ, because every sidewalk sale needs house music...
Obviously, they were filming Mob Wives because this event is the perfect b-plot.
The local characters browsed away while Ang looked on.
At the end of day one, it was time for her to replenish the stock of her fold-up table. Here, we see that she was selling a coffee maker and what looks like a seasonal pumpkin basket. What else can we imagine was on this fateful table? Staplers shaped like high heels? Expired bottles of self-tanner? Neil's creatine supplements? The possibilities are endless.
Due to the overwhelming fun of drinking with her customers, she decided to extend the hours.
On day two of the best garage sale ever, she received a special gift...
It's a portrait crafted entirely from Tic Tacs, Good 'n Plenty, Licorice, Chiclets, gumballs, and other assorted hard candies. Sadly, it is not for sale...
While we really missed out on a fantastic weekend activity here, there's always next year. Hopefully.
Images: Big Ang/Instagram