'The Bachelorette's Andi Is Visibly Frustrated Again: 15 Perfectly Reasonable Explanations For Her Frown
Monday brought with it the first new Bachelorette in two weeks, a European affair that took us dancing, miming, and cooking through the sometimes figurative, sometimes literal streets of Marseilles. Finally, finally we're into that B-Town NEXT LEVEL shit — most notable for its higher tear volume and increased rate (experientially) of jag-weeds getting weeded out. That's how I feel about Andrew and Patrick, anyway. Not Marquel, the nattiest dresser since that one closeted Top Three contender last season (Duncan? James? Greg?). He deserved another week if only to give us one more trip through the Tommy Hilfiger summer collection.
So it makes sense that Andi Dorfman would be sporting this face, forced to eject multiple men — wherever they fall on the moral spectrum — and endure an even harder round of same next week, and the week after. It's only going to get harder from here, sweetheart! But I don't think it's merely the pain of romantic surgery contorting Andi's beautiful mug that way. No, there's gotta be more to it than that. And what kind of site would we be if we didn't run down at least 11 of the likeliest possibilities?
- Despite the guy's dismissal taking place many weeks ago, and on a different continent, Andi can still smell the beer farts of drunk, drunk Craig dancing on the edge of her nostrils.
- Listen, JJ — it was, even now, the best and most original date of the season. But you keep bringing it up every chance you get, as though the reminder of that one date will sustain you and Andi straight through to the final round, and into marriage, children, and actual old age. You were ballsy enough to become a professional pantsapreneur, JJ. Bring that same outside the box thinking to your one-on-one moments.
- Marquel ran out of cookies, thus bringing the list of things he and Andi might discuss down to one (checkered shirts).
- After cutting deep into his arm with the appropriate ritual blade, Chris Harrison invoked the ancient incantation that might release Beelzebub, his Dark Lord and Destroyer, into the world through his latest chosen vessel: Andi. She's rejecting the possession, but just barely.
- No guns in Marseilles.
- It was over ten days ago that Andi emailed her friends Boyz II Men with the subject header "hey friends! what's hangin'?" and she hasn't heard back. Do they not consider her a friend? Is this a one-sided relationship?
- Just had a nightmare about the opera guy. He opera sang their wedding vows.
- Producers have been hounding Andi about shilling a new flavor of Pop-Tarts on the show. "Listen, guys," she told them, "I'm happy to promote the WNBA or even sit through the entirety of The Hundred-Foot Journey, but as a serious-ish litigator with a budding brand to consider I draw the line at breakfast foods." Harrison et al just won't budge.
- Having eliminated all the closeted contestants this season, or so she thinks, Andi is beginning to realize that none of her upcoming dates will be as fun or dance-filled as she could have had. Instead she can look forward to a lot of dead air with Dylan or Brian or any other "-an" guys, and maybe a moment where they talk about what a number their mom did on them.
- "Did I make the right decision following producers' orders to rebuff Juan Pablo so I could be the next Bachelorette? Is being here, with 10 guys I guess are okay and one guy who reminds me of men I've dated in the past, what makes me feel happy and purposeful? Should I have abandoned my fulfilling job as a criminal litigator to come here, even if it's beautiful Marseilles, and 'cook' 'dinner' with a high school basketball coach whose vocabulary is limited to 'awesome' and 'yeah'? Dear God, am I doing the right thing for me? I'm so, so, so lost."
- She saw last night's Game of Thrones finale and, like the rest of us, is just sick to death of the Bran storyline even if it's "really going somewhere, be patient!" like your book-reading friend keeps promising. Andi can't stand the fireball-shooting faerie girl any more than you can.