'Duck Dynasty' Nephew Zach Dasher Is Running For Office, But He Shouldn't Take Cues from His Uncle Phil
Take the dynasty and run for office: That's what Zach Dasher, the 36-year old nephew of Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson, is doing. Yes, that's right: Dasher is running for the House of Representatives, vying for the candidacy of Louisiana's 5th District Seat. You'd think that the new, fresh-faced political hopeful would want to somewhat distance himself from his Dynasty, since his uncle Phil Robertson was ensnared in a deplorable controversy after he made homophobic remarks to GQ in December 2013. But Dasher is cheerily optimistic and says he has Robertson's full support:
Uncle Phil says he's vetted me for 36 years!
Not exactly a ringing endorsement, though, from a man who is extremely homophobic.
Or, is it? Dasher is rigidly conservative, like his duck uncle. He says his "basic platform begins with God," and he wishes to restore America to what she once was. And who was that classy ol' broad, America, before them crazy liberals came in and destroyed her? Maybe Dasher, who is running against the incumbent Rep. Vance McAllister — a politician caught on tape kissing a married staffer — can take some notes from his Duck Dynasty kin on what other details to add to his basic, God-based platform (which at this point, sounds pretty vague).
So what could possibly be on the platform? Let's take a look.
Dasher could run as a "lover of the human people," a label his Uncle Phil once used to describe himself. You know, so long as the human people aren't dirty sinners — when speaking to GQ, Robertson staunchly stated that homosexuality was very, very wrong, even aligning it to bestiality. But wait! Phil also said that Jesus takes all your sins away, no matter what they are, so does that mean he's approving of any sinner's sin? Poor guy — he's so confused. Maybe Dasher's vision of restoring America to her old glory is to bring it back to a place where homosexuals have to stay closeted and marry women to save face? O, Country!
Maybe Dasher could add to his basic platform a "love of family," because, despite his uncle being extremely offensive and controversial, Dasher is sticking by him. Or is it because money talks, and despite Robertson being suspended from the hit show by A&E, the dynasty is still thriving, and will most likely fund Dasher's campaign for office? "My basic platform begins with billions of dollars of revenue from duck-calls," is perhaps what Dasher meant to say. Other platforms he could run on: surly, manly beards, because therein lives the glory of America.