31 Questions for The Kim Kardashian Video Game

by Alicia Lutes

What's a girl with an empire to do when she already has a klothing line, television show, and products upon products of things people can buy? Why, create a video game of course! Because that's what the kids do these days: they play and play and play. Their eyeballs never leave their phones so might as well have a little fun with it, right? It's the only way to keep their attention anymore (read: gobble up their dollars) so that's exactly what Kim Kardashian has done. Kim Kardashian has "created" a video game. And, naturally, we have some questions.

Because oh my god everything about this game looks like it is just THE WORST. Though fellow Bustle-r Mallory already speculated on what the game might be, its reality is actually much worse. It's not geared towards women so much as it's geared towards vapid, mindless gumwads who want to aspire to a fancy lifestyle with minimal effort and zero talent. Even for a Kardashian this whole thing is a plate of hot garbage in the most hilariously upsetting way. The game's objective is to "create your own aspiring celebrity and rise to fame and fortune" by shopping, dumping and dating celebrities in clubs, and walking down red carpets. Seriously — I shit you not this is real. Not only is it offensively, insipidly stupid: it's the Kim Kardashian story come to life!

There's even an HOUR-LONG video detailing how to play the game through. It's... exactly what you'd expect it to be.

Whether you're a woman or a game-player (or anyone with a brain), this game should offend you. Because it's just so bloody dumb. So dumb all we can do is talk about it in questions.

  1. Right off the bat we're curious: did Kim even know what a video game was before this?
  2. Did she come up with the objectives herself or were they just cobbled together based on her life?
  3. What is it like, being in a development meeting for something like this with Kim Kardashian?
  4. Does she just sit around and nod?
  5. Do her eyes just glaze over until the words "shopping," "money," and "hot" pop up?
  6. Why is it that these avatars look to be in permanent selfie-pose mode?
  7. Is that what it takes to become famous?
  8. Seriously why are these avatars always winking and fluffing their hair?
  9. They have to fold clothes before they become famous: is that representative of Kim's true struggle to make it to the top? (Sounds like a deep metaphor.)
  10. ...Is this "game" supposed to be "fun"?
  11. Or are we supposed to feel like clawing our eyes out by the end of it?
  12. What does Kim Kardashian consider fun?
  13. Does Kanye West think this is the greatest video game of all time or THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME OF ALL TIME?
  14. I see there are blue lightning bolts: what the heck do those do?
  15. And are those other things called KardashiKoins? (Because they should be.)
  16. What do those do?
  17. Is that like a BitCoin?
  18. Are they equally as or more useless than a BitCoin?
  19. Does Kim Kardashian understand the negative effects of the lifestyle of superficiality and excess she's promoting?
  20. Does she really think this is the best use of her time and image?
  21. Oh wait she probably doesn't care because money, does she?
  22. If someone's making money and free will is involved clearly there are no negative consequences, right?!
  23. But still, she's essentially telling people to cultivate a self-obsessed attitude. Does she get that?
  24. Is perpetuating an image of women as material-object and fame-hungry obsessives really something she's OK with?
  25. Why is any of that fun?
  26. How is any of that fun?
  27. Isn't, you know, actually accomplishing something more fun than this?
  28. Does she understand the ramifications of her actions at all, ever?
  29. Wouldn't she like to be better? Wouldn't you, Kim?
  30. Wouldn't you be happier if you actually stood for something worth believing in?
  31. No? You'd rather get money and be married to Kanye West because fame is far more important than substance or using your influence for good?

OK, well. I mean, at least we asked the questions. We tried.

Image: Touch GamePlay/YouTube