This Teddy Bear Has a Dirty Little Secret

Best way to ruin your childhood: have sex with a teddy bear. And if that sounds like the worst idea ever, you should know there's a startup company called Teddy Love that's bound and determined to make it happen. Yes, Teddy Love. And no, I will not go stand in the corner and think about what I've done. This isn't my fault.

Teddy Love is currently fundraising on Indigogo to start production for their flagship product, a teddy bear with a vibrator built into the muzzle. According to CEO Dawn Harmon, this teddy bear, instead of being a beloved childhood friend, is “a unique, discreet, sexual toy that provides pleasure through dual, vibrating mechanisms in Teddy's nose and tongue.” Apparently the nose is intended to stimulate the clitoris while the tongue goes in the vagina. The controls, meanwhile are in the ears.

My childhood, on the other hand, is crying in its room and refusing to come out. This is worse than that time Miley Cyrus corrupted teddy bears at the VMAs. Or that weird ass bear at the Sochi Olympics.

The thing is that Teddy Love really does look like a teddy bear, but instead of making this a super discreet toy, it just makes the whole thing creepy. We're talking about getting head from a teddy bear. And I don't care if it has a motor in its nose, it's a teddy bear. I don't want to have sex with a teddy bear. (But for those who do, no judgement — I just can't see this thing getting very popular).

Harmon calls this an "exciting opportunity to liberate women's sexual expression and freedom." I'm thinking someone has been paying too much attention to EL James. But you can check out their fundraising video and decide for yourself how you feel about "The Bear Who Loves Back."

Again, no judgement if that floats your boat, but in our eternal quest for discreet sex toys, I'd just as soon prefer we keep them non-childhood-related.