Portugal Star Cristiano Ronaldo's Ridiculous Expressions Will Decide World Cup Game vs. US

Any fans of the U.S. soccer team need to prepare to get nervous. (Or you may already be nervous which is totally valid.) On Sunday, June 22 the U.S. will take on Portugal — and sad Cristiano Ronaldo! — in a World Cup match for the ages! Okay, that's probably a little extreme, but soccer is anxiety-inducing and if the U.S. wins this game, they'll be well on their way to the next round. (Unless an odd scenario happens that means it will come down to the difference in points scored and other confusing stuff that won't matter because the U.S. is totally going to the next round.)

The U.S. has already won one game against Ghana and will take on Germany following Portugal. Portugal, on the other hand, has already been defeated by Germany and is looking to make a comeback. That said, Portugal and the U.S. have faced off in five world cup games and of those two were won by Portugal, two by the U.S., and one was a tie. Additionally, if you add the goals of these games together, they each scored a total of five goals. What does it all mean?! Well, it means that the this match is best predicted by looking at a number of other factors, including practical things like the teams' celebration techniques and the enthusiasm of their fans.

Here are seven matches that pit the U.S. against Portugal. Let's see who comes out on top.

Coach vs. Coach

Jürgen Klinsmann

Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Paulo Bento

Martin Rose/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Winner: Portugal. Klinsmann is raising his arms with happiness in nearly every picture taken of him, but Bento is putting some sort of magical spell on that ball with his eyes.

Emotional Players

Cristiano Ronaldo

Clint Dempsey

Michael Steele/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Winner: U.S. Crying versus screaming with uninhibited joy? The choice is obvious.

Celebratory Techniques

U.S.

Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Portugal

N/A

Winner: U.S. (Ps. Ohhhhhh snap! See what I did there?)

Header Skills

U.S.

Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Portugal

Matthew Lewis/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Winner: U.S. Unfortunately we don't have an action shot, but John Brooks' header was epic and you know it.

Fans

U.S.

Michael Steele/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Robert Cianflone/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Michael Steele/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Portugal

Clive Brunskill/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Stu Forster/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
David Ramos/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Winner: Tie. Good job, everyone.

Looking Incredulous About Calls

U.S.

Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Portugal

Stu Forster/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Winner: Portugal. Cristiano Ronaldo is skiled at expressing himself as we learned in the emotional category. While he couldn't beat out his competitor there, in this case, he takes the win.

Person with Dreads

U.S.

Jamie McDonald/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Portugal

Stu Forster/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Winner: U.S. It's a close one, particularly because Portugal's Eder has bonus sad Ronaldo in the background, but Kyle Beckman's pose takes the win.

You see, it's pretty obvious the U.S. is going to win come Sunday. We have the right combination of skill, emotional expressiveness, and shirtless players with dreads.