Bear Fellatio Is Officially Real

Here's a question I bet you've never asked: Do bears ever have oral sex? I know, it's silly question. I mean, last I checked, bears have some pretty serious teeth that should probably stay far away from genitalia. However, according to the scientific journal Zoo Biology, it turns out that bears do in fact give each other head.

Scientists in Croatia report that over six years they have observed 28 acts of fellatio between a pair of unrelated male brown bears in captivity, with smaller bear performing the sex acts on the larger bear. Whether this just makes these two bears super weird in the bear world or whether it indicates a normal aspect of bear sex is unclear.

Also unclear: why bears are giving each other head. Though, as Discovery explains, the explanation might just be the obvious one: "In many incidents, he [the larger bear] appeared to reach orgasm from the sex act (which lasted for just a few minutes), as evidenced by muscular contractions and, well, fluids on the muzzle of the provider."

And if that description is not enough and you want more detail on bear fellatio, here you go: according to the study's authors,

All cases appeared to be initiated by the provider, who approached the receiver while he was resting on his side or with part of his abdomen exposed. If the receiver's genitals were not exposed, the provider would push his head into the pelvic region or use his paws to separate the hind legs. After accessing and initial licking of the penis, the provider would find a more comfortable posture, such as sitting or lying…once actual sucking started, neither bear changed position.

The study's authors suggest that this behavior may be the result of the bears being deprived of the chance to suckle from their mothers as babies–both bears were orphaned at a young age. Orphaned bears have been known to suckle their own or their siblings paws or ears as infants.

Or maybe the bears just love each other, okay? Don't judge gay bear love. They deserve to be happy, too. And besides, it's not as bad as that teddy bear who gives people head. Shudder. All in all, I think we should support the happy couple. And then, you know, try not to think about it. (Seriously, though, teeth).