'True Blood' Has Lost Its Damn Mind

Say it with me: Sookehhhh. Get ready for more where that came from because the show that's been twisting itself into unrecognizable knots for years is obnoxiously taking us right back to the beginning: Bill & Sookie are clearly True Blood's endgame.

True, we should have known it would come to this. Bill and Sookie were the two folks who started all this madness and in case we've forgotten that, True Blood's Season 7 premiere makes sure it's all coming back to us now. In the aftermath of a Hep V vampire attack, the people of Bon Temps are back to blaming poor lil' Sookie for all of their problems. Much like the Merlott's scene at the outset of the series, when Sookie overheard everyone calling her a "slut" and a "fangbanger" in their thoughts, our blonde fae heroine is back to being everyone's favorite scapegoat.

Of course, that's not enough for the continually confounding supernatural series. Last season, we saw Sookie and her new beau Alcide all dressed up like two 1950s teenagers on a date and walking arm in arm to church. Finally, after all the back and forth, Sookie finally said "yes" to the best guy on the show and for a moment, we thought she might have finally learned to make good choices. But we cut to this season, where she's walking off alone at night and ignoring Alcide and we start to get concerned. Despite the fact that she denied Bill's offer to be her vampire protector last season, it looks like Sookie is well on her way to becoming the ol' vampire's Sookehhh once more.

While this recoupling always appeared inevitable, it just seems like a show so under-committed to making sense or maintaining continuity would go off the rails in its final hurrah, OG 'ship be damned. After all, we've seen how terrible Bill and Sookie are together (how many times can one man promise that vampires always hurt the ones they love?). Then there's the completely unwelcome super cut of Bill's signature jackhammer sex that involuntarily plays in my mind every time he calls "Sookehhh." No. bueno.

If True Blood really loves us, it will have Bill and Sookie long for each other silently for 12 episodes before finally uniting in a totally silent kiss. But we all know it's going to be a loud muddy, bloody, nasty, mess of this (plus lots of NSFW jack-hammer sex and bare breasts) set to dramatic violin music:

Perhaps a preemptive anger management class would be a good bet for Alcide and Eric fans.

Images: HBO; Giphy (2)