The 9 Strangest Sex Toys On the Internet

After learning about the teddy bear that doubles as a vibrator by the start-up company Teddy Love (which is still seeking crowd funding, in case you're interested), I was curious to discover what other strange sex toys lurked in the murkier corners of the Internet. That teddy bear may taint your childhood, but I'm no longer convinced it's the oddest sex toy out there. I present to you nine of the weirdest sex accessories currently available online — and this is before we've even mentioned the entire range of Obama vibrators...or Obamarators, as they're more affectionately known.

1. Vaginal Exercise Balls

If you’re a Sex and The City fan, you’ve probably seen the episode where Samantha talks about doing her kegel exercises. Well, Etsy seller KNICKlampwork has a product for that: Vaginal Exercise Balls. This intimidating orb with metal attachments wouldn’t look out of place in a Lord Of The Rings film. However, the seller assures it will result in a “pleasure rainbow night” and that “if you really are the master, you will choose it.” Well, the Vaginal Exercise Ball is in your court, now.

2. Solar-Powered Vibrator

It may look like an Etch-A-Sketch for one’s penis, but it’s actually a solar-powered vibrator. Forget electricity and batteries — thanks to Sola, you can now be kinky and environmentally friendly. If being green gets you off, it turns out there's a whole range of eco-friendly sex toys out there.

3. Crocheted Dildo

Etsy seller mariapetra will forever taint your image of the elderly with her raunchy crocheted creations. Instead of crocheting doilies and stuffed toys, she makes “fun stripe” dildos in her artist’s studio. They come stuffed, mounted, and ready for hanging (hardware included). Those with allergies, beware, as she keeps cats.

4. Portable Glory Hole

Portable Wooden Glory Hole, $349, Dallas Novelty

“Oh this? This 52 X 26 piece of plywood tucked under my arm? That’s nothing!”

Be oh-so-discreet when attending your next party, concert, or film, with this portable wooden glory hole. It's not the cheapest of sex toys, so you can always make it a weekend DIY project to build your own glory hole with this handy guide.

5. Cone Vibrator

Is it a party Hat? A traffic cone? A piece of contemporary art? Whatever it is, it has 16 different settings, comes in black and pink, and can even double as home decor. Yet all this mysterious object makes me think of is Robin Williams’ appearance on Sesame Street where he improvised a string of different uses for a stick to inspire Elmo to be creative. (It can be a baseball bat, it can be a flute…).

6. Artificial Hymen

For those of you wishing to feign your virginity or relive it, HymenShop sells the solution for just $29.95. Basically, it’s a fake blood kit marketed towards soon-to-be-brides and those wishing to turn back time. "Kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence," is the clearly problematic tagline. "Have your first night back anytime!" The little girl from HelloFlo could've used this to make her fake first period more convincing, though I'm more concerned about those people who can't tell their sexual partner that they're not a virgin. Yikes.

7. Cactus Dildo

LeLuv Cactus Dildo, $20, Etsy

The American southwest meets masturbation with LeLuv’s cactus dildo. While “the dual-arm style creates a fulfilling experience,” the discreet design means it could feasibly pass as room decor. The seller sums it up best: this one’s both “sexy and succulent.” Ha!

8. The Area 51 Love Doll

Just when you thought the inflatable doll market was becoming predictable with all those celebrities and cartoon characters, this alien-inspired inflatable was born. The Area 51 Love Doll has “3 supple breasts, suction cup fingers, and ass-shaped ears,” which combine to make it “the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy.” Positively visionary. And it comes in a travel-sized version, for those patrons surely on their way to a Star Trek convention. Score!

9. Kinky Cat Vibrator

Doc Johnson Wonderland The Kinky Kat Vibrator, $22, Amazon

Lewis Carroll’s acid trip can now vibrate its way into your bedroom with a selection of Alice in Wonderland -inspired vibrators by Wonderland Vibrators. That’s right, in case the Cheshire Cat’s floating smile wasn’t creepy enough already, you can purchase that in a plastic, vibrating form...for your own pleasure. Shudder.

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