These Flatforms Look Very Unsafe

My passionate dislike for the ugly-shoe trend is well-documented on Bustle, but I am much more forgiving when talking about the flatform sandal. Yes, some flatforms are ugly. But flatforms are not inherently ugly by virtue of the word ugly being in their name, so that gives me something to work with.

For those living under a not-very-trendy rock, a flatform sandal is basically a platform with a flat sole. Lots of them are sporty-chic in a way that Birkenstocks will never be no matter how many times Vogue and Jenna Lyons try and make me change my mind. Other flatforms are monstrosities that deserve to be tossed onto a flaming bonfire of things that MUST DIE, Game of Thrones-style. Game of Shoes, if you will.

My editor sent me an email featuring two such monstrosities this morning, both of which I am about to share so you, too, can suffer as I have suffered. First up is the Lawdy, a shoe by none other than professional ankle-breaker Jeffery Campbell. The shoe features a metallic ankle strap situation worthy of Daisy Buchanan, but you won't notice that because you'll be too distracted by the 11 inch cork-style platform heel attached to the bottom. See below.

Jeffery Campbell

The Lawdy also costs $170, not including the surgeries you'll need after your near-fatal tumble down the first staircase you try descend wearing these suckers. Since the shoes don't appear to come with a warning, I'll supply you with one: Unless you employ professionals to carry you from place to place, stay away from the Lawdy shoe.

Next we have the Y. R. U. Everest Platform, which retails for $79 at Urban Outfitters. BuzzFeed calls it "the worst $79 you will ever spend" and that is NOT an exaggeration. Urban carries a lot of wacky (not to mention controversial) merchandise, and still this shoe is one of the worst. Why? Because it takes a style that is all about comfort (the Birkenstock) and transforms it into a torture device for you to slip onto your feet.

Y. R. U. / Urban Outfitters

It's basically a summer hiking shoe tied to a foam brick and rendered useless. This is not 1995 and you are not the long-lost member of the Spice Girls. You don't need a platform that large! But if you want to look like this then by all means:

Since the shoe designers of the world are not concerned for your safety, I'll have to take matters into my own hands by leaving you with this tip for walking in flatforms, courtesy of Vogue and yoga instructor Yamuna Zake: "Distribute your weight from your big toes to little toes so you are never keeping all your weight bearing into one point in your foot. If you keep your weight in your heels, it is easier to keep the ankles from collapsing inward. This keeps the ankles strong and feminine while also preventing swelling."

Sounds like Zake has a good head on her shoulders. Unlike you as you break out your credit card to overnight a pair of Lawdys. I SEE YOU. Don't say I didn't warn you.