On July 10, Jessica Simpson — pop star, successful designer, and endearingly oblivious reality TV queen — turns 34. It seems like just yesterday we were all huddled around our screens, hanging off of her every word as Simpson waxed philosophical about Chicken of the Sea on MTV’s Newlyweds (#neverforget) and strutted around The Dukes of Hazzard in the tiniest jean shorts known to man. A lot has changed for Simpson over the years, though. After slowly but surely disappearing into minor irrelevancy following the demise of Newlyweds and her highly publicized breakup with 98 Degrees boy-bander Nick Lachey, she fought her way back into the spotlight in the classiest way possible. So classy, in fact, that we can almost forgive her for those shorts. Almost.
These days, she’s traded in her title as Mrs. Lachey for Mrs. Johnson, and has two super-cute nuggets to chase after in the high heels she’s built her extremely successful fashion empire around. She’s practically the master of the subtle comeback (are you taking notes, Lindsay?) and although it nearly breaks our hearts, she hasn’t been the butt of a joke in ages. Snaps for Jessica!
Since she’s become a woman who quite literally has it all, let’s celebrate Simpson's b-day with a look back at the moments she made us laugh at her and with her.
34 is old. It's almost 35, which is almost mid-thirties.
You don't have a super successful reality TV show and fashion line under your belt? Your life must be such a *yawn.*
We only forgive her for being spoiled because she was so adorable about it.
That definitely wasn't the reason they were staring at you — trust.
Jessica Simpson truly mastered the art of rocking Juicy Couture jumpsuits errday, all day.
It's not fair she still manages to look gorgeous when making that face. NOT FAIR.
And the moment our love of Jessica was sealed 4eva <3
Happy 34th birthday, Jessica!