There really is a day for everything, and July 14 may just be the most stripped-down of them all. Can you guess? Can you guess?? July 14, my dear naturalists, is a day dedicated entirely to being nude. Well, not entirely, because National Nude Day actually shares a date with a much more famous holiday: Bastille Day. Oh, and it's also the day License to Kill premiered. And the day the $10,000 dollar bill was withdrawn from U.S. circulation. And Ingmar Bergman's birthday. Well, then. That's some serious celebratory competition.
Poor National Nude Day. Is it doomed to oblivion forever? It began in 1976, but nobody outside of nudist spheres really talks about it, probably because it's kind of embarrassing to discuss with your boss and there are still laws about public nudity in certain states. Unless you're Miley Cyrus, Kendall Jenner, or Scout Willis, chances are you're not running around topless on a regular basis, either. You probably don't get the day off from work, but you should still make time to "observe the holiday" with these 11 totally legal ways to celebrate. Maybe meet up with the Outdoor Co-Ed Topless Pulp Fiction Appreciation Society? If somebody calls to make plans, tell them you can't, you're busy lounging, it's National Nude Day, duh.
1. Wear sunscreen on your actual body.
If you're anything like me, you put sunscreen on your face every morning, but never, ever bother to protect your body unless you're planning to tan. What, you think the power of a flaming ball of gas with a surface temperature of 10 million degrees is something to play around with? Go for a spray sunscreen that works at any angle for super, super easy coverage.
If you've sworn off tanning but you're still paranoid about streaking in skin that hasn't seen the sun for decades, use a self-tanner that contains anti-aging ingredients, too. Nobody said you can't be safe and vain at the same time.
Try: Kiss My Face Bare Naked Body Mist SPF 30, $15.99, kissmyface.com
Sunsoak Age-Defying Self Tanner, $29.95, hydroxatone.com
2. Wear a hilarious shirt.
Why be nude when you could pretend to be basically nude just for laughs? You'll fit right in with your sketchy Uncle Zed when you wear this tee.
Try: Beauty Queen USA Bikini T-Shirt, $29.95, catalogclassics.com
3. Marinate in oil for hours.
I'm not saying you're a piece of meat. I'm saying you should soak your entire body in natural oils as though you were a piece of meat that's about to be seasoned with oregano and tossed into a broiler. You can't exactly soak in oil and then get dressed, but you can absolutely slather yourself in oil and then just chill in the nude for a couple of hours (on well-placed towels, of course.) Hippies, try the Weleda; those in a hurry and less prone to marinating, check out the OGX spray.
Try: Weleda Sea Buckthorn Body Oil, $26, weleda.com
OGX Weightless Hydrating Oil Body Mist, $6.99, ulta.com
4. Do some (naked) yoga.
You knew this suggestion was coming. Take a shot for courage (A WHEATGRASS SHOT, PEOPLE), and sign yourself up.
5. Turn your bathroom into a sauna.
You may not have access to a Turkish hammam, but you can try to steam up your bathroom. First, drink tons of water. Seal off your door as best you can with damp towels and/or duct tape, plug the bathtub's drain, turn on the water as hot as it'll go, and let it run for a few minutes as the room fogs up. Sit down somewhere nice and comfortable, cushioned by towels, for about ten minutes. Soak in the steam. Drink plenty of water afterward, too.
6. Invest in a really nice body lotion.
Your skin is your largest organ. You know this. It absorbs whatever you put on it. You know this, too, unless you think that lotion performs a magical disappearing act every time you apply it. I know that watery stuff from the drugstore is cheap, but it's also full of chemicals. If there was ever a day to upgrade from Jergens, it's National Nude Day.
For fancy ladies, a lotion with baby salmon enzymes: Restorsea Retexturizing Body Butter, $120, restorsea.com
For hippies who want to eat their lotion, too: Earthtuface Body Butter, $42, earthtuface.com
7. Clean out your wardrobe based on texture.
Strip out of all things underwear-related and try on all your clothes. What feels good? What doesn't? As someone who's bought far too many scratchy vintage sweaters and then never worn them because they feel so awful, I mean it when I say that fabric makes a huge difference.
8. Catch up on emails.
Or do something otherwise awful — cleaning your bathroom? Reading the comment section? The simple act of not wearing any clothes will make it hilarious, and you can always shower afterward, depending on how much trolling and shower grime you encounter.
9. Dry brush.
This is not a photo of dry brushing; it is a photo of what you should imagine is happening when you dry brush. Sure, brushing down your skin with natural bristles isn't the most relaxing thing in the world, but it's said to stimulate circulation and the lymphatic system. Plus, if you're going to do it right, it's gotta be done nude.
10. Spread that facial mask down to your neck and chest.
Everybody likes to scream about how important it is to treat your neck as well as your face, but it's incredibly annoying to apply product on your neck and décolleté while wearing clothes. Today, all that changes.
Try: Earthtuface Exfoliant Mask, $72, earthtuface.com
11. Eat frozen pizza naked in front of the TV with the air-conditioning on high.
Your body, your choices.
Images: Getty (6); Kiss My Face; Catalog Classics; Weleda; Restorsea; Earthtuface; Tumblr