Leaked CIA Cafeteria Complaints Are Hilarious, From Pepsi Mix-Ups To Jazz Salads

Everyone likes to complain now and then, and CIA employees are no different. Think about it: stress on the job, maybe some trouble at home, and suddenly you realize that the CIA can't even keep it's own cafeteria on the rails? You wouldn't let them do that to you, would you? In reality, a decent handful of CIA employees have filed official complaints over their cafeteria, striking a blow for anyone who's ever had a tomato passed off on them as a grape.

The complaints were acquired by MuckRock, which specializes in filing slews of Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests to uncover otherwise unseen documents. Some of what they dig up is heady, illuminating and important. This, on the other hand, is simply for the laughs.

As hilariously detailed by the Washington Post's Abby Phillip, some of the complaints just ooze this sort of strange, funny, mundane desperation, all playing out in the food center of the intelligence agency of the most powerful country on Earth. But, honestly, you can't really blame them that much — at the end of the day, however interesting the secretive world of intelligence might sound, they're just people buying crappy sandwiches like the rest of us. Here are some of complaints the CIA didn't want you to hear.

The Great Pepsi Mix-Up of 2011

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This complaint is easy to understand if the person was dealing with a reduced or non-sugar diet, though it's also possible it's just a testament to how little diet soda tastes like the genuine article.

That's No Kind of Jazz Salad, Sir

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Personally, I'd never heard of a Jazz Salad until 30 minutes ago, but apparently the one thing you should know about them (by the claim of this pro-Jazz Salad devotee) is that it absolutely has to have grapes. And no, stuffed-shirt CIA higher-ups, tomatoes are not grapes.

This person was wrong about one thing — this complaint is what really takes the cake. Obviously, as an employee of the CIA, there are likely some controversial things this person does condone, but not putting salad bar items into a Jazz Salad.

Give Me the 1/4 Chicken!

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In which a hapless CIA employee finds they got ripped off on their chicken portions, and knows just how to respond — a politely-worded, but firm reply, to make sure nothing like this ever happens again. Dropping some portion knowledge.

Our Subway is the Worst Subway

Apparently the CIA cafeteria has a Subway, as well as a Burger King — another complaint mentions that their BK doesn't have a dollar value menu, an unpardonable sin — but the quality control isn't up to company standards. At least not in this person's experience, who makes a solemn plea.

Echoing through the halls of the CIA at night, the rallying cry of an oppressed people — "do not serve us stale bread!"

Images: Getty Images (3); sampitech/Flickr