Leaked CIA Cafeteria Complaints Are Hilarious, From Pepsi Mix-Ups To Jazz Salads

Everyone likes to complain now and then, and CIA employees are no different. Think about it: stress on the job, maybe some trouble at home, and suddenly you realize that the CIA can't even keep it's own cafeteria on the rails? You wouldn't let them do that to you, would you? In reality, a decent handful of CIA employees have filed official complaints over their cafeteria, striking a blow for anyone who's ever had a tomato passed off on them as a grape.

The complaints were acquired by MuckRock, which specializes in filing slews of Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests to uncover otherwise unseen documents. Some of what they dig up is heady, illuminating and important. This, on the other hand, is simply for the laughs.

As hilariously detailed by the Washington Post's Abby Phillip, some of the complaints just ooze this sort of strange, funny, mundane desperation, all playing out in the food center of the intelligence agency of the most powerful country on Earth. But, honestly, you can't really blame them that much — at the end of the day, however interesting the secretive world of intelligence might sound, they're just people buying crappy sandwiches like the rest of us. Here are some of complaints the CIA didn't want you to hear.

The Great Pepsi Mix-Up of 2011

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This complaint is easy to understand if the person was dealing with a reduced or non-sugar diet, though it's also possible it's just a testament to how little diet soda tastes like the genuine article.

Last week and the again this week I have talked to numerous cafe employees to inform them that the pepsi coming out of the regular pepsi spout is diet pepsi. They have the wrong pepsi tank hooked up to the wrong pepsi spout. Yet no one has fixed this problem. Why has this problem not been fixed? Thanks

That's No Kind of Jazz Salad, Sir

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Personally, I'd never heard of a Jazz Salad until 30 minutes ago, but apparently the one thing you should know about them (by the claim of this pro-Jazz Salad devotee) is that it absolutely has to have grapes. And no, stuffed-shirt CIA higher-ups, tomatoes are not grapes.

Hi - I've sent comments about the jazz salads being misadvertised before, but yesterday takes the cake. The Jazz Salad was supposed to be a Sonoma Grape and Proscuitto salad. This was advertised on the on-line menu, and on the sign above the salad (sometimes they are different). This is one of my favorites, so I stand in line and notice there are no grapes. Grapes are in the title of the salad. I asked about them, and the server pointed to the cherry tomatos, and said they were red grapes. I said, "no, those are tomatos, soooooo should I just get grapes from the salad bar". She didn't really give an opinion - but I did get grapes from the salad bar, and I did tell the cashier about it (she asked me to write a note - I hope you got the note). I do not condone putting salad bar items into a Jazz salad (I have been known to get a separate container for salad bar items to add to my jazz salad) but felt justified in this case.
However, when an item is in the title of the Jazz Salad, please make an effort to include this item in the actual salad. Thank you.

This person was wrong about one thing — this complaint is what really takes the cake. Obviously, as an employee of the CIA, there are likely some controversial things this person does condone, but not putting salad bar items into a Jazz Salad.

Give Me the 1/4 Chicken!

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In which a hapless CIA employee finds they got ripped off on their chicken portions, and knows just how to respond — a politely-worded, but firm reply, to make sure nothing like this ever happens again. Dropping some portion knowledge.

I recently purchased the 1/4 White Chicken Platter at Senor A's. However, I was surprised to see that the portion served was not actually 1/4 chicken. I noticed that a portion of all of the breasts had been cut off and whole breasts were not served. As with the 1/4 Dark Platter being the leg and thigh, the 1/4 white should have been a whole breast and a wing. This needs to be corrected. Thanks!

Our Subway is the Worst Subway

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Apparently the CIA cafeteria has a Subway, as well as a Burger King — another complaint mentions that their BK doesn't have a dollar value menu, an unpardonable sin — but the quality control isn't up to company standards. At least not in this person's experience, who makes a solemn plea.

I was very aggravated at buying a subway sandwich and going back to my desk to eat... to find the bread stale and "crunchy" hard...I had to eat the inside and throw the bread out...normally I would return it and have them make me another but I was already at NHB...6th floor...and too far and time consuming to return PLEASE PLEASE...do not serve us stale bread...I never get stale bread at other Subways... so can you lease hold quality control here to subway standards. Thank you

Echoing through the halls of the CIA at night, the rallying cry of an oppressed people — "do not serve us stale bread!"

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