Kim Kardashian iPhone Game Is Great & All, But What Would Scott Disick’s Be Like?
The biggest hit of this summer isn't a song (although Ariana Grande's "Break Free" is remarkably catchy), it's an app. Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is the latest attempt by the reality star to completely take over the world, and since its release on June 25th, she's really succeeding. The app, an adventure game for both iOS and Android, has already been projected to make almost $200 million this year. Do you know how many shoes and Céline bags she can buy with that kind of money? That's right — ALL the shoes and ALL the Céline bags!
The game lets players design their own celebrity persona, befriend Kim K. and all of her ~*sUpEr c00L*~ friends, and more importantly, her frenemies. As you complete mundane activities like working in a trendy boutique, having glamorous photo shoots, and walking down fashion runways, you rack up money and points that can be used towards the important things in life: clothes and accessories.
While that's all well and good, the game is missing a key element that would no doubt make it the #1 game ever created in the history of EVER: Scott Disick. The Lord of all things fashionable and luxurious is nowhere to be found among the designer gowns and plumped cartoon lips in Hollywood, and that is just plain heartbreaking. Since Scott is far and away the best part of the Kardashian Klan, we've decided to do him a solid and create a game based around his life instead, Lord Disick: New York City.
Create your very own "Lord," complete with monogrammed silk robes, velvet, tasseled slippers that bear your family crest, and a pair of pants in an elaborate print of your choosing.
Have a formal introduction to Lord Disick's court, which takes place in his massive mansion in the Hamptons. Your name and title are announced, to which Lord Disick and his gaggle of snobby sophisticates all cheer and pop a hundred bottles of Dom. You mingle with everyone, earning a point for every person you're able to convince to come to your club opening in NYC.
To earn money towards buying Lambos, bear furs, and an army of pet chinchillas, you must work aboard Lord Disick's yacht as he sails around the harbor, serving caviar to him, his baby mama and girlfriend Kourtney Kardashian, and their kids, Mason and Penelope. A bonus is awarded if you can fold their napkins into origami cranes.
Oh no! You were caught shoving dollar bills into the mouth of a waiter while on a spur-of-the-moment trip to Vegas! All of your money is taken away, along with your robes and slippers. Lord Disick tells you that to get everything back, you must journey all alone to find him an extremely rare Tom Ford suit trapped in the bowels of a *GASP!* strip mall in Jersey.
You succeed! Your wealth and riches are returned to you once more, and Lord Disick decides to celebrate his new suit by throwing a massive, Great Gatsby-themed party in his mansion, complete with towers of lobster and a fountain of Cristal. Tamed zebras and exotic tigers roam freely throughout the yard, and you think you might even spot a unicorn. You win all the points and live happily ever after!
Game over, peasants.