Not that it's ever exactly fun to fall ill, what with all the coughing, wheezing, runny nose, watery eyes, oozing bodily function horror of it all, but being sick during the summer is it's own personal ring of hell. Because not only are you sick and you feel like utter crap, everyone around you is off doing the most amazing, life altering things like white water rafting and bungee jumping and feeding dolphins while you're wrapped up on your couch in a blanket watching reruns of Full House. Do you really think anyone is going to be day drinking and zip-lining next week, when you feel up to it? Most certainly not. Good luck even getting them to happy hour.
In addition to the exhilarating activities that you're missing out on, it's a healthy million degrees outside while it's also an unhealthy million degrees inside of your body. It's like your drinking that hot herbal tea on the surface of the sun... in a parka. In honor of the ongoing and inevitable torture of being sick during the summer, I've compiled a list of my favorite characters who express just how awful it is to be me.
IT STARTS OUT WITH SOMEONE NEXT TO YOU ON THE SWEATY, MUGGY, GERM INFESTED SUBWAY AND THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SNEEZE
So, you pull a Sheldon, because hell yeah you're a germaphobe and you have an outdoor concert and wine-swigging to attend to. Sorry, you're not sorry.
AND THEN THE VERY NEXT MORNING YOU WAKE UP LIKE THIS
BUT IT'S SUMMERTIME AND YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BIT IN DENIAL ABOUT IT
AS THE DAY STRETCHES ON, YOU REALIZE YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE INTO WORK
BUT YOU DID, AND SO YOU TRY AND PUT ON A BRAVE FACE WHEN YOUR CO-WORKERS ASK WHAT'S WRONG
You were never really one to sugarcoat things anyway...
EVERYONE FEELS BAD, BUT THEY'RE TREATING YOU LIKE THIS
You have become what you hate most: Subway Girl.
YOUR BOSS SENDS YOU HOME, BUT IT ONLY GETS WORSE BECAUSE YOUR BODY TEMP IS SKYROCKETING
Because you're on that same damn SWELTERING subway that plagued you in the first place, but you're not hot, no, you're FREEZING.
ONCE YOU'RE HOME AND SETTLED, YOU NATURALLY WEB MD YOUR SYMPTOMS, BECAUSE WHO THE HELL GETS SICK WHEN IT'S WARM OUT?!
Which is always the worst idea. But you're your worst enemy, so...
YOU FALL ASLEEP THINKING YOU TOOK A NAP BUT IT'S ACTUALLY THE NEXT MORNING AND YOU CAN'T DENY IT ANY LONGER: YOU'RE SICK.
AND YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU TO INVITE YOU TO THE BEACH BECAUSE IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT, BUT IT'S A STRUGGLE JUST TO ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE
You sadly decline because you're in the middle of writing your own eulogy.
AND YOU'RE ALSO A BIT OF A MASOCHIST, SO YOU SPEND MOST OF THE DAY LOOKING AT THEIR PICTURES ON INSTAGRAM
But you don't like a single one. Because you're spiteful and you feel gross and you hate them. But you hate Subway Girl more, always more.
YOU SIT INSIDE FOR A FEW DAYS AND WALLOW OVER BEING HOT, COLD, ACHY, AND IRRITABLE
Where the hell is Mom when you need her?! What is adulthood and why did we ever want to achieve it?!
A GOOD SAMARITAN OR TWO TAKES TIME OUT FROM WIND SURFING AND TANNING TO COME AND CHECK ON YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE STILL BREATHING
And they even bring you some chicken soup, too. Angels.
YOU LONGINGLY REMEMBER THE DAYS WHEN YOU WERE HEALTHY AND ABLE-BODIED AND DID FUN THINGS LIKE WALK OUTSIDE IN A TANK TOP AND SHORTS
Poor you. Poor Mae Mobley.
AND THEN SUDDENLY, AFTER DAYS OF LOZENGES, TYLENOL PM, AND THE SHAKES, YOU WAKE UP LIKE THIS
You're back, bitchesssssssss.