Wanna Buy A Square Watermelon? Head To Vancouver, Bring Fistfuls Of Cash

It's barbecue season, and if you want to bring a real backyard crowd-pleaser, a watermelon is a safe bet. Now, what if I told you that you could up your game and bring a square watermelon? That's right, you can up your game from seedless! A catch — if you want to wow your friends with a square watermelon, it'll cost you $200.

This is a fruit that I have, on multiple occasions, soaked in vodka before consuming. You should never pay $200 for anything that tastes delicious soaked in vodka. That's a pretty solid rule to live by.

CTV News in Vancouver reports that grocery store Urban Fare Market stocked 10 of the Japanese melons, and six of them remain. This isn't the first time that they've stocked them, either. Store manager Tyler Wynn told CTV that they've sold out each time they've stocked them.

"They’re a very innovative product that our company likes to bring in," Wynn told CTV. "These square watermelons draw a lot of attention."

Okay, so you've plunked down two Ben Franklins and you have a square fruit. Great. Now for that much money you'd think that it tastes magical, right? Or the seeds inside are actually plated in gold? NOPE. They're just grown in a special case that forces them to morph into a square. Other than that, they're EXACTLY THE SAME.

"They’re just like a regular watermelon,” Wynn said. “They have seeds. They’re the same color inside. They taste the same as a regular watermelon, as well. They’re just square."


CTV got one to sample (because journalism), and were "unimpressed." From the looks of it, it looks like they got an unripened one, so there's the first problem. The second problem is that they paid $200 for a damn watermelon that some of the newsroom staff said tasted "like watermelon," and others described as "flavorless" or "horrible."

I bet that it would've tasted better soaked in vodka.

Why can't you be happy with starfruit, oh purchasers-of-very-expensive-square watermelons? If fruits shaped differently than they're supposed to be continue to be a thing, I'm going to go ahead and cash in on this. What about triangular bananas? Or rectangular grapes that retail at $100 a bunch?

All I know if that if I ever get enough disposable income to buy a ridiculously priced misshapen fruit, I'm going to retire instead.

Images: Video/CTV Vancouver