Guys, let's be real. I've been covering Shark Week all week, but have conveniently left out the most important truth of this holy 7 days in television viewing: Shark Week is pretty much tailor made for potheads. And we all know it. So thanks for that, Discovery, you might not know how to avoid megalodon drama, but you sure as hell know how to please a those people who enjoy a marijuana cigarette.
Because yeah, watching programs about sharks for a week straight is super fun and interesting for the layman, but we all sort of know that this is the second most prominent weed holiday, second only to 4/20. Shark Week requires dedication and commitment, but that's not hard when you were going to be blazed sitting in your living room regardless, no?
So, despite lack of official proof, I'm 100 percent convinced that Shark Week was created by science stoners as a benevolent gift to the rest of us proletarian smokers. Because they know that in the same way that getting high and going to the aquarium is completely magical, getting that same aquarium experience on your couch, EATING CHEETOS is even better. However, they probably also know (with all their science brains and shit) that stoners love sharks, because sharks are like stoners.
WHY, you might ask. HOW? You might ask. DUDE WHERE DID YOU PUT THOSE PRETZELS, you might also ask? I can only answer the first two. But here's the low-down on why sharks and stoners have more in common than we previously imagined.
They spend the vast majority of their time looking for munchies
Why else would there be all these accidental shark attacks if they weren't munchin' out hard? There they are, looking for seals, so distracted by hunger that they pounce and ... whoops, that was not the snack they were looking for.
They really, really need water
Cottonmouth man, cottonmouth. Also the whole breathing thing I guess.
They've been around for a long-ass time
Sharks might have originated long before stoners, but they also originated long before humans. However, cave paintings have shown that marijuana was used by some of the earliest humans, which just goes to show, the green has been around for a long, long time, just like sharks!
They also have small, beady eyes
And there ain't no Visine for sharks because eye drops would probably be difficult to navigate under water and all. But soon, guys, soon.
They get an undeserved bad rap
The world is all, "sharks are so dangerous! They dismember people!" and "Smoking weed is so bad for you, it's illegal and immoral and wrong!" And of course, elements of both of these statements are true, but generally, sharks are beautiful, gentle creatures, which is to say they're basically the same as stoners.
So now that we've all been honest with each other, Shark Week can continue being mind-blowingly epic. Let's settle in and stare, entranced, at the glory that is Shark Week.
[Photo via miggslives/Flickr]