Shark Experts on 'Shark Week' Are The Craziest Lunatics We've Ever Seen

Watching the Discovery Channel's Shark Week as closely as I have for the past four days, the amount of times I've heard variations on the thought, "there's no such thing as a dangerous shark" cannot even be counted. And it is just me, or is that a bit confusing?

I mean, these are people that have had parts of their legs bitten off, their arms chomped, their friends eaten, whatever, and still they're all like "It's not the sharks fault!" Because whenever someone gets a limb torn off, you know there's a hell of a blame game in there somewhere. However, I feel like this weirdly blasé sharkitude needs some serious clarification and revision.

Firstly, just because the shark did not intend to do you any harm does not mean it isn't dangerous. The nature of sharks, and the fact that they bite people's arms off by accident makes them pretty much the definition of danger. Arguably, there is no such thing as a non-dangerous shark, other than whale sharks, but even then I bet there's a way for them to hurt you.

Secondly, these people study sharks as their job. They actually live Shark Week every week (livin' the dream guys, livin' the dream). How is it even remotely possible that they don't consider sharks to be dangerous when all it takes to make me swear off the ocean forever is about a minute and a half of I Survived Jaws?

I guess what I'm really wondering is why these people have no apparent survival instinct. Isn't there supposed to be a little thing in our brains that jams us full of adrenaline before we even have time to think "those are some big frickin' teeth"? I know I almost have a panic attack just watching these guys get up close and personal with their favorite fish, and I'm on a couch about a zillion miles away.

But I guess that's why they're staring on Shark Week and I'm home eating Lean Cuisine and screaming every time a nasty bite pops up onscreen. Frickin' shark people. They're crazy.