Grapefruit Blow Jobs and 12 Other Fruits and Vegetables That Are Totally DTF

BERLIN, GERMANY - JANUARY 21: Fresh fruit and vegetables, including pears, tomatoes and bell peppers, lie on display at the Netherlands hall at the 2011 Gruene Woche agricultural trade fair at Messe Berlin on January 21, 2011 in Berlin, Germany. The trade fair comes on the heels of a dioxon scandal in Germany that led to the recent quarantine of approximately 6,000 farms. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)
Source: Sean Gallup/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Has the recent Internet chatter about grapefruiting piqued your curiosity, but left you with a lot of questions? Are you intrigued by the idea of a natural, low-cost way to spice up your trips to the bone zone, but fear the possibility of free-flyin' citrus juice ? Does grapefruit give you acid reflux? Do you need those grapefruits for breakfast tomorrow???

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, don't worry!  There's still an easy and food-filled solution to your sexual dilemmas. Even if you think that grapefruits belong on the kitchen table, not on a boner, know that your local grocery store or greenmarket is chock full of fruits and veggies that can, in a pinch, be turned into sexual playthings.

And while there are no formal surveys of which fruits and vegetables people use most during sex, there are some clear favorites out there. So let's sit down and survey the most popular (or just most fun-seeming) produce that people use in and around their fun parts.

But first, a word of warning: the sugar in fruit can lead to a rather unsexy yeast infection or other problems when placed directly onto your delicate bits. So your best bet is to keep these fruits and vegetables restricted to above (or below)-the-vag play, wrap them in a condom, or otherwise keep them from making full-on contact with the delicate parts of any genitals. And remember to put a towel down!

With that noted,  let's get down to business. It's summer! Time to make a nice, big salad! And then have sex with that salad!

1. Melons

Even without the use of formal surveying technology, I can tell you that using a microwaved melon with a hole cut in it is one of the most popular forms of food sex — so popular, it’s even got its own Urban Dictionary listing. Obviously, this method has its own dangers (i.e. that roof-of-the-mouth burn you get from eating a too-hot microwaved slice of pizza, except on a penis), so if you choose to experiment with this one, handle with caution.

2. Strawberries

The most popular fruit to dip in chocolate, drop in champagne, or chew on erotically while making sex faces at someone across the Whole Foods salad bar, the strawberry — with whipped cream, or on its own — is probably the fruit-sex pairing you're most likely to have actually tried (possibly after having gotten too worked up while watching a Cinemax Original Movie). You don't even have to get naked to use this little guy for sexual purposes — the simple act of eating one can be uncomfortably erotic (see above GIF).

3. Bananas

I'm always learning new things at this job — like that bananas are not just enticingly phallic-shaped, but are actually used by some dudes as masturbation sleeves. The more you know, right?

4. Cucumbers

The gold standard of sex vegetables, cucumbers will be considered snicker-inducingly sexual long after the earth has fallen into the sun — and for good reason! They pretty much look like penises, and people love to shove them into their orifices. I've heard this referred to as "cuke-ing," and I would not recommend trying this at home.

5. Carrots

Second runner up in the "most phallic vegetable contest," carrots remain a favorite among those not bold enough to do some self-exploration with a cucumber. Also, wouldn't having an actual "most phallic vegetable contest" be so fun? Let's do one over Labor Day next year at your summer share house!

6. Grapes

Though these are a less obvious one, they should be standard in anyone's food-sex arsenal, especially in this heat. You can grab a handful of frozen grapes and go to town on someone's back/ shoulders/ thighs/ etc the way you would with some ice cubes, with the added bonus that grapes won't melt. Note: your grapes will probably not turn out to actually be Matt Damon in a grape costume, but you know what? It could happen. Don't stop believin'!

7. Pineapples

While a full pineapple is pretty awkward to hold even while fully clothed, pineapple rings can totally work as a penile garnish. But make sure to wash that penis thoroughly afterward before you bring your holes anywhere near it.

8. Cherries

Part of a proud American on-screen sexual tradition that we can trace all the way back to 1999's Varsity Blues (or even earlier), cherries are more of a topping than a main course, both in life and in bed. But they're neater and a lot less likely to shoot juice everywhere than a lot of items on this list, so they're a low-stakes item to incorporate into an evening of food-bangin'. Just make sure to have a bowl on hand for the pits.

9. Yams

Historically considered by some to be an aphrodisiac, yams aren't really a mainstream sex-food these days. But pureed yams are pretty delicious, and sometimes there's a gain of truth to the foods that people thought were aphrodisiacs in the ye olden tymes...just sayin'.

10. Coconuts

While you're certainly free to utilize a coconut in any way that your heart/ mind/ throbbing loins can imagine, coconut oil is actually having a moment as an alternative to traditional lube. Though there haven't been any formal studies on its effectiveness or side effects yet, gynecologists have noticed many women with sensitivities to standard lube dig it. Just don't use it with any latex condoms, and also, buy a little bit extra to use as a conditioner, because that stuff is BOSS on product-damaged hair.

11. Raspberries

The strawberry's smooshier, more pliable cousin, the raspberry is a bit less popular, but ideal for more delicate sexytimes — you know, foreplay that is more about a nibble than a chomp.

12. Avocados

OK, fine, this one is all me. I could not find anyone to back me up on the idea of avocado as a sexual toy. But I think avocados are a good idea! They're soft! They're squishy! They're full of Vitamin C! And aren't their inherently sensual qualities what drives you to pay extra for that guac at Chipotle? I'm just saying, consider it.

Images: foodriot.com, Giphy (8), Uproxx, Dispatch.com, drafthouse.combossnotboss.com

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