Pennsylvania Man Kevin J. McGroarty Wrote His Own Obituary, and It's One for the History Books

The obituary genre isn't particularly well-known for its witty one-liners and clever turns of phrase. In fact, most obits tend to be the exact opposite: dry, factual, and short, probably because those who are writing them are in the process of grieving and have other things to worry about. That's not the case with Pennsylvania man Kevin J. McGroarty's obituary, which he composed himself. McGroarty, who died "after a long fight with mediocrity," wrote what's probably the funniest, most poignant obituary to ever appear in print.

The obituary, which ran in the Times Leader from July 25th to 26th and is now available on the newspaper's website, contains plenty of quotable gems. One paragraph reads:

He [McGroarty] enjoyed elaborate practical jokes, over-tipping in restaurants, sushi and Marx Brother's movies. He led a crusade to promote area midget wrestling, and in his youth was noted for his many unsanctioned daredevil stunts.

Another reads:

McGroarty leaves behind no children (that he knows of), but if he did their names would be son, "Almighty Thor" McGroarty; and daughter, "Butter Cup Patchouli."

He ends his obituary with these words of wisdom: "McGroarty leaves behind a thought for all to ponder, given years of gathering wisdom from different religions and deep study of the Greek philosophers: "It costs nothing to be nice" and "Never stick a steak knife in an electrical outlet." Sage advice, good sir. There have never been any moments in my life during which I have been tempted to stick a steak knife in an outlet, but if one arises, I will think of this and stay my hand.

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Nearly 600 people have signed the online guestbook attached to his final farewell. Some of the notes are left by people who clearly knew him well, such as this one from Toni DeAngelo: "I will remember you in my heart always and belly laugh at the thoughts from all the 'Kevin Stories.' RIP my friend." Others are from total strangers. "Hear! Hear! Kevin McGroarty! What a fabulous wit and person you have been. I too would have been honored to know you. I know you're having a grand time and one day we will meet! My condolences to the family and friends who will miss your presence," wrote Karen Harjo.

For his funeral on the 28th, over 300 people showed up to pay their respects to a guy whom I would have loved to see on late-night TV. The Times Leader calls him "everybody's best friend," and hey, if he could crack such jokes in his own obituary, how could he not be just as vivacious in person?

Hop on over to the Times Leader to read the full obituary. If that's not enough funny and/or touching obit writing for you, check out these farewells to our favorite GoT characters (spoiler alert, obviously!) and actor James Rebhorn's tear-inducing, self-written farewell.

Image: Kevin J. McGroarty/Facebook;