"Janet Looks at 89 Dicks" Video Examines the Dick Pics of the World So You Don't Have To

Internet, meet Janet. Janet is the rarest of people; somehow, she has managed to go her entire life without ever once seeing a dick pic (a fact of which I’m sure many of us are insanely jealous). So, her friends decided to “fix” the problem. Accordingly, they created a slideshow of 89 dick pics for her — and bless her heart, she gamely decided not only to watch the slideshow, but also to film her reactions to it and then post the video on the Internet. Talk about taking one — or, y’know, 89 — for the team.

And those reactions? Are priceless. Weirdly enough, as the dicks fly by, the whole thing sort of turns into a genitally based Rorschach test. You’d be amazed what you can see in a dick pic when you let your mind abstract the image.

The video is mostly safe for work — you don’t actually see any of them — although obviously the word “dick” is tossed around a lot. As such, if you’re in a public place and you don’t happen to have a pair of headphones handy, you’ll probably want to save this one for later. In the meantime, here are a few of my personal favorite responses:

  • “This does not look like a person.”
  • “This is a sort of … moodier one.”
  • “The first thing I just thought right now was ‘gerbil.’”
  • “I think is this Michelangelo’s David. Classic.”
  • “Is that … a dick on cement?” (I really want to know what she was looking at here. That sounds fascinating.)
  • “Is that a Prince Albert?” (I actually had to look up that term; I’m not terribly up on my genital piercings, but that’s apparently what it is. TIL, right?)
  • “This one reminds me of a scary movie.” (Again: What exactly is she looking at? Inquiring minds want to know!)
  • “Hmm. Makes me wonder what he could do with that.”
  • “It’s kind of like a Dementor.”

And here’s the video itself:

Janet Silverman on YouTube

By the by, gentlemen, although there are loads of guides out there instructing one how to take the best dick pics possible, the No. 1 rule by which to abide is this: Do not send unsolicited ones. There’s nothing ruder than suddenly having an unexpected, unasked for dick pic show up on your iPhone screen — especially if you’re not in the comfort of your own home. Just, y’know … something to consider.

Image: Janet Silverman/YouTube