I Actually Wore This Weird Underwear

by Alexandra Kozinski

Let's consider this my first official investigative journalism piece, shall we?

I wore the C-String.

I know, I know — you're welcome, ladies. I took one for the team on behalf of women everywhere. I did this so YOU don't ever have to. I also did this because I was genuinely curious about the claims that this "undergarment" (using the term VERY loosely) is "very sexy and comfortable," according to its Amazon page.

I opted for the black lace, because if I am going to own a C-string, I am damn well going to have the prettiest and most practical version.

Lace Women's C-String Thong Panty , $2.24, Amazon

First thing I noticed upon taking it out of the box was that it was slightly bent out of shape. Funny, because so was I, when I realized I was actually going to have to wear this thing.

I bent it back to its original shape (which wasn't too hard, considering the entire thing is basically a wire with some fabric over it. Mmmm, comfy... ), and I put it on. It's easy enough to wear. You just kind of spread your feet a little, and place the front lacy area up against your lady parts. The c-string just kind of knows where it's supposed to go (your butt crack) and lays where it should, with minimal adjusting required.

And then, there I was.

Wearing a C-string. Just like that.

Since I was in the comfort of my own home, I wandered around wearing only the c-string to get used to it a bit. I decided after glimpsing at myself in the mirror that Amazon's claim that this thing was "sexy" was questionable. It kind of just looked like a fancy loin cloth.

"Hmm," I thought. "Maybe my fiancé will appreciate it more than I do?" I mean, he's a dude. Dudes like tiny black lacy things, right?


He, too, was kind of horrified.

"What IS THAT?" he asked. Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but hey, two points for honesty.

"It's a C-string," I replied. (DUH.) "Do you think it's sexy?"

"It's REAL weird." -Fiancé

Okay. So, now we know both of Amazon's claims are definitively false. The c-string is not comfortable. It is also not sexy.

I decided to at least see if I had any outfits in my closet that I would need to consult my C-string for in the future. I mean, this thing has to be good for something, right?

Here's a list of things in your closet that will never require you needing to wear a C-string:JeansLeggingsShortsShort skirtsMaxi skirtsDresses

I don't have any other "category" of clothing in my inventory aside from those items listed, and the C-string will never be required for any item in my wardrobe. So, I decided to try to think of some other creative ways I could use my C-string, since I clearly won't be needing it for fashion purposes.

Idea #1: To fish out an earring-back from hard-to-reach places

Hey, that curvy wire part will do much better as an earring-back reacher than stuck in my butt crack.

Idea #2: A slingshot

Hours of fun could be had by all. And who else can say they own a black lacy slingshot!?

Idea #3: A gag bridal shower gift

I can't guarantee your bride-to-be friend won't hate you/think you're a creep when she opens this in front of her grandma, but how funny would it be to tell people you gave someone a C-string as a gift? Lolz! (Please note, any of my friends reading this, that I already own a C-string, so nice try.)

I hardly expect the c-string to catch on as a popular undergarment trend, but in the event it does, don't say I didn't prepare you.

Images: Alexandra Kozinski