Having Sex in College: Not Everyone Is Doing It, and 6 Other Things You Need to Know

You've spent all summer getting ready for college. You frantically read the classics, from Anna Karenina to The Great Gatsby (how were you never assigned them before?!), so as to prepare for late-night intellectual discussions. You Facebook-stalked your suite mates, and they all seem fun and relatively normal, praise Jesus. You bought your books, pens, notebooks, and hideous under-bed storage containers. You're ready for anything, right? Wrong.

Yet there is no way to prepare for the wild, awkward, and hilarious experience that is having sex in college. Whether you arrive on campus a virgin or a seasoned pro, college is full of sexual firsts, and of course, countless sexual lasts. (Sex on a ping pong table? Never again.) Here are seven things you need to know about sex in college.

1. It's not great

The troubling national issue of shitty college sex is very important to me; As a senior, I wrote a column encouraging ladies to "just say no" to bad sex. Freshman year, and even throughout college, many students will fall into recurring, entirely unsatisfying hook-up relationships, whether because they're drunk and lonely, looking for validation, or really into the guy's memory foam mattress. Casual sex is fine; it can even be glorious! But more often than not, at least in college, the drunk dudes you hook-up with on random nights are not going to be that into your pleasure or your orgasm.

Invest in a vibrator, as soon as possible.

2. Because drunk sex is bad sex

There's nothing wrong with a tipsy hook-up. Yet, it is a widely known truth that sober sex is far more conducive to a mutually pleasurable experience; he can keep it up ("whiskey dick" is real), and you're not so focused on not vomiting and/or fantasizing about a sandwich that you can actually enjoy the sex.

Truth: Drunk snacks are a thousand times better than drunk sex. Always choose the sandwich.

3. Not everyone is doing it, all the time

Not everyone is having sex all the time, despite what you may overhear in the dining hall. A 2012 study (conducted by Lifestyle Condoms) found that of sexually-active college aged students, only a third had sex multiple times a week. And about 18 percent of students interviewed said they only had sex a few times a year, if that.

4. Use protection, always and forever

Here's some bleak news: That same 2012 Lifestyle Condom study found that ONE IN FOUR students rarely (or never) wear a condom. It gets worse. A more recent and significantly more terrifying study found that 51 percent of female students (and 61 percent of male students) said they routinely had unprotected sex.

Condoms are literally thrown at you for all for years of college. If you're too lazy or stubborn to pick up a condom from the sack outside of your RA's door, a bowl in the Office of Student Health, or even to stop by (gasp!) a drug store, then you're putting yourself at serious risk, especially if you're hooking up with guys who will literally say whatever — "Just got tested!" or "I'm a virgin!" or "I can't stay hard with a condom on!" — to get you to have unprotected sex with them.

5. Constant sexiling will ruin your relationship with your roommate

Sexile your roommate sparingly, or else she'll resent you forever. And never, ever have sex while you assume your roommate is fast asleep. You're never as quiet as you think you are, trust me.

6. Practice some discretion

A new UK study found that 29 percent of students have had sex in a public place. A) Get itttttt. B) Maybe don't do this. If you get caught, and you probably will get caught, punishment will be swift and merciless. If you really, really like the rush of boning in a naughty place, find the Eastern European history section of your library and make it quick. Just know that even when you think you're being discreet, like this couple who banged on the roof of Chipotle, you are most likely not.

7. A campus is a very small place...

A hall is even smaller. Hooking up with someone you live with, or very near, can lead to months of awkwardness, averted glances, and silent elevator rides.

Images: Giphy (1, 2, 4) , Otterbein360 (3)