'Real Housewives of Melbourne' Does These 9 Real Housewife Stereotypes Better Than the Americans

If you're anything like me, you enjoy pickling your brain on the weekend in gallons of reality TV brine, and have thus experimented with The Real Housewives of Melbourne only to become hopelessly addicted. If not, you're missing out on some serious TV gold. Why, you ask, should I give a flaming hoot about The Real Housewives of Melbourne? To summarize, this show takes the existing Real Housewife stereotypes that we know and love, multiplies them by ten, takes out all the self awareness, and adds a dash of psychic ability. (I'm not kidding.) Just imagine what The Real Housewives of Toronto would look like, give all the cast members Australian accents, dial the taste down about 10 points, and you have this show.

Everyone is trying so hard to seem rich, prominent, and interesting that the whole thing is just a carnival of campiness. The catty behavior, lifestyle exhibitionism, and conspicuous consumption seen in the American housewife franchise is on another level in RHOM. Like, it's almost as satirical as The Hot Wives of Orlando, but it's not satire. There are homely "rock star" husbands whom you've never heard of, psychics who can't seem to have a civilized dinner party, horribly named liquor endorsements, weaves, Botox, and more. Because this is my new favorite shitty show, and it should be yours too, here are the nine "real housewife" stereotypes that the ladies of the Outback do better than the Americans.

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Psychics

American housewives would go to a psychic, sure, but the Australian cast has one on built in. Cast member Jackie, rock star wife and psychic, communicates with the other side to ruin dinner parties. Just like Allison the medium, she can tell you when you will die and what will happen to your family.

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Faith

Gina explains Jackie’s premonition of her partner cheating on her as demon speak, because it’s not “of God.” It would appear that she believes any esoteric forces outside of Christianity are all demonic. Basically, if you think Alexis Bellino is oppressively religious, you should meet Gina.

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Famous Husbands Past Their Prime

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Ben Gillies, Jackie’s husband, is the drummer of the band Silverchair, best known for the 1994 song “Tomorrow.” Basically, the band is kind of like the Australian Nickelback. She calls him a rock star repeatedly, says that he looks like Johnny Depp, and insinuates that people want to get close to her because of her famous husband. Somehow, her psychic vibes don’t tell her that nobody cares.

Hearsay

Lydia will just straight up reveal things you told her in confidence. Because of this trait, Jackie, Gina, and Lydia all get embroiled in a fight about whether or not Gina said verbatim that she “didn’t believe anything Jackie said.” Gina and Jackie argue about exactly who is lying, and somehow psychic Jackie doesn’t know who’s telling the truth.

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Pink Obsession

Lisa Vanderpump may love pink so much she named her house “Villa Rosa”, which basically means pink house, but Gina wore this outfit and thus won the title of “most misguided devotion to a color.”

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Botox

Andrea puts needles in people’s faces for a living, because she and her husband own a non-surgical cosmetic procedure office. Her tagline is “Never come between a woman and her plastic surgeon.”

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Weaves

To say that barrister and housewife Gina overdoes it with eyeshadow would be putting it lightly. Babygirl has some contoured makeup, some intense fashion, and of course, some high hair. That weave could give Kim Zolciak a run for her money.

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Liquor brands

Oh hey, this sounds familiar! Jackie and Ben decide to make their own brand of alcohol because nobody has done that before. I wish this was a joke, but the name of the liquor is “La Mascara.” It’s different from mascara, because the second 'A' is pronounced as a long 'A.'

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Lady-sitters

Jackie’s friend Ben Roth is a wedding dress designer, one of her closest friends, and the Brad to her Jill Zarin. He showers her with compliments, calls her DAH-ling, brings her flowers, and they take turns yelling at each other about sparkles. Classic housewives.

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