As if wasting eight hours of your life behind a cubicle/desk/computer wasn't soul draining enough, there's a little thing I like to call pre-work, which is the work you have to do just to get to work. You know what I'm talking about fellow partner in misery — commuting. The ugliest, most vile word in the English language. In a perfect world we'd all live within walking distance of our jobs but hey, there's those things called bills, student loans, and exponential rent for a cozy closet of living space. So yeah, you're hyper aware of the fact that living closer to work and thus eliminating this evil isn't even an option. You are public transportation's (or traffic's) bitch and you bow at it's grimy feet in desperation.
To most accurately express the pitfalls and grievances of a commuter, I thought it'd be best told by someone who understands anger. Who hones in on it, breeds it, rolls around in it, and spits it back out once she's done. Because in order to fully grasp just how much it blows to wake up three hours earlier than your peppy co-workers who are enjoying their egg croissants as you sprint across town, we needed an expert. And that expert is Aubrey Plaza. Let her lament with you below.
FIRST OF ALL, WAKING UP IN GENERAL IS A CHALLENGE
Made even worse by the fact that you could've slept for another two hours if you lived closer to work.
WHEN YOU MISS THE BUS/TRAIN/FERRY, YOU DON'T JUST MISS IT — YOU MISS IT ABOUT TEN PACES AWAY AS IT ROARS PAST YOU SPEWING DIRT ON YOUR SORRY FACE
Because, of course.
IF YOU MANAGE TO ACTUALLY GET ON THE BUS/TRAIN/FERRY THAT DAY, AND YOU END UP SITTING NEXT TO THE RESIDENT BUS WEIRDO
Who has a pet ferret that she left everthing in the will to. And she wants to show you pictures of him in various outfits for the duration of the ride.
OR THERE'S THAT ONE A-HOLE WHOSE HEADPHONES ARE BLARING LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE ENTIRE CAR TO HEAR
You'd be more angry if you weren't absolutely certain he was destroying his own hearing.
OR TYPHOID MARY, WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO TAKE HER OOZING, SNIVELING SELF INTO AN ENCLOSED SPACE WITH OTHER HUMANS
Oh that's right, girl. Look at her prescription bottle because you're about to be annihilated.
AND SINCE YOU'RE ALREADY IN A RANK MOOD BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, IT'S MORNING, YOU HAVE LITTLE SYMPATHY FOR OTHERS WHO HAPPEN TO MISS THE BUS/TRAIN/FERRY
You watch their shoulder slump, their faces turn crestfallen, and you think... "Suckers."
YOU KNOW THAT HELL IS REAL BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN DOWN IN A FIERY SAUNA OF A SUBWAY STATION MID-AUGUST
Ever rationed air with others around you? It's a real team building exercise.
YOU'RE PERPETUALLY LATE AND IT'S NOT EVEN YOUR FAULT
Okay, maybe a little.
THERE'S TIMES WHERE YOU'RE PRETTY SURE THE UNIVERSE IS DOING THAT WHOLE DARWINIAN SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST THING, AND SOMETHING AS ESSENTIAL AS THE AIR CONDITIONING DOESN'T WORK
So the bus driver opens the window, LIKE A PSYCHOPATH. Not because it's not a good idea, but because now you have one less thing to complain about.
INCLEMENT WEATHER IS THE BANE OF YOUR EXISTENCE
HAHAHAH, It's SNOWING and you wanted to get to work today?! Stop it! You're hilarious. WAIT, WAIT YOU THINK YOU SEE A BUS IN THE DISTANCE, THERE IS A GOD.
IT TAKES TOO GOD DAMN LONG TO DO ANYTHING
You could've cooked a four course meal in this time. You could've written and performed a sonnet in this time. You could've done just about ANYTHING ELSE other than SIT HERE in this time.
BUT SOMETIMES, YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO EASE THE PAIN OF THOSE AROUND YOU — SOMETIME'S SOMEONE'S SHORT ON THE FARE, OR THEY'RE LOST AND YOU DECIDE TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF THE ABYSS TO HELP THEM
Because commuting is a bitch, but you don't always have to be.
BUT THEN YOU ARRIVE AT WORK FIVE DAYS LATER AND YOU RUN INTO A FRESH FACED AND WELL RESTED CO-WORKER WHO GOT IN 15 MINUTES BEFORE YOU BECAUSE SHE LIVES "A HOP, SKIP, AND A JUMP AWAY"
Bad mood reignited. Screw you, Ann.
Images: Giphy (13); NBC