Someone Throw This Doll In A Furnace, Please

I just watched the latest trailer for evil doll horror movie Annabelle and now I can't stop anxiously groaning like Tina Belcher. The spinoff of 2013's The Conjuring looks terrifying. And awesome. AND TERRIFYING. I jumped at least five times while watching the trailer. I'm going to take that as a sign that I wouldn't be able to handle the movie.

I am a jumpy person. If a door slams, I will yelp. I'll yelp at any loud, sudden noise, really. If there are any balloons nearby, I will be on edge. Because any one of them could pop at any moment. And when a balloon pops, I feel like I’m going to vomit up my intestines. A jump scare in a horror movie? My heart will not stop pounding in my throat for 45 minutes. When I see a trailer for a horror movie, I think, Oh, that looks awesome. Too bad I’d probably pass out and/or have a heart attack in the theater.

I wish I could muster up the courage for Annabelle. BECAUSE IT LOOKS AWESOME.

But there's no way in hell I can watch a movie about a horrendously ugly doll that carries the spirit of a demon woman who enjoys spending her days attacking/terrorizing/scaring the shit out of a family (er, at least I think that's what's going on). Nope, nope nope. Too many jump scares. I know my limits.

When this movie comes to theaters in Oct., I wish I could say I'll be there with bells on. But I can't put myself through that. Please see it on my behalf.

Image: Warner Bros.