Oh, Have We Got An Internship For You!

Hello, very scared and very impressionable undergrad! Are you still looking for a fall internship? Yeah? We have one you should absolutely not apply for! Texas Rep. Steve Stockman is looking for an intern, and he has some pretty, erm, specific requirements.

Let's check out the ad and see if you fit the criteria:

The House’s most unique and courageous conservative seeks smart, happy interns (of all ages and backgrounds) for the reminder of the year. Alas, we cannot pay you. Schedules and start/end dates are negotiable if you’re worth it.

I hope they mean "remainder" and not "reminder" of the year in the first sentence. Otherwise, you may have this intern following ol' Steve around and reading news clips about his train wreck of a year.

We do not insist on specific, arbitrary submissions: send us whatever personal materials you think will give us reason to hire you, even if that’s just a standard boring resume and canned cover letter. Writing samples are encouraged, but not required, because even a short cover letter belies and betrays a lousy writer. Brevity is the soul of wit.

Oh yes, this not at all "boring" and "canned" intern needs to be witty. I bet it was one of these wonderfully witty interns who came up with this disastrous campaign material last year, which effectively stabbed doge in the heart forever and ever.

This Member is not a jerk, and neither loathes nor avoids interns, but loves them, and actually speaks to them. If you are selected for this internship you will have extraordinary access to the Member and to meaningful projects that go well beyond the standard intern grunt work (or your money back).

Yo, you know what, though? LOVE DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS, STEVE.

And oh my God, "extraordinary access to the Member." I know, I'm sorry. I am secretly still in middle school! Judging by this ad, they need a good copy editing intern. That's all I'm saying.

Personality and ideology are important. Please bring a confident, vigorous intellect and no drama. Ideal candidates will be true patriots who can count up to 17 in trillions, and care more about future generations than they do about sucking up to current leadership.

A true patriot, perhaps like Stockman's good pal Ted Nugent, who has threatened to kill President Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Mushy pleasers/appeasers keep walkin’. HINT: vapid granolas who fear guns, hate babies, are ashamed of America, and think Islamic terrorists and illegal aliens are just misunderstood will not be comfortable here. Reply to: kim.tape@mail.house.gov.

If you've been really excited about this internship and let the granola slowly fall out of your mouth upon reading this bit, breathe for just a minute. Would you consider yourself dull and lifeless on top of eating granola? Okay, then. Now you're out. And you too, all you systematic baby-haters.

The funny thing is, Stockman only will have said intern for 12 days before he is out of office. But I guess we all want someone there at the end, don't we, Steve?

Image: Flickr/Gage Skidmore