When that new Kia Soul EV ad with the hamsters (“Which Kia ad with the hamsters?” you ask. “Fair question. It's the one that features Maroon 5 song 'Animals,'" I reply) premiered during the VMAs, my lip curled and I muttered, “Take me back to the LMFAO and the Running Man.” The new ad makes me feel like I'm watching something I shouldn't be seeing, like that scene in Eyes Wide Shut when Tom Cruise's character sneaks into that secret ceremony/party/orgy.
(Credit where credit is due: What transpires over the course of the ad totally distracts me from the scary lyrics of "Animals.")
If I had a time machine, I would travel back to 10 minutes before my first encounter with the ad. And then, I would attempt to explain the ad to myself with the intent to prepare my past self's mind for what my past self was about to witness. That explanation would go something like this:
Giant anthropomorphic hamsters in spectacles, suspenders, and bow ties sit on one side of the glass with some science-y equipment. Their outfits are adorable, but don't let them fool you: Some fucked up shit is about to go down.
On the other side of the glass sits a Kia Soul. The scientist hamsters are working on developing the newest model. One hamster conjures a green battery-like thing out of thin air, so there might be some magic involved. They use their maybe-magic and futuristic tecnol—
And this where I stop paying attention to the holograms or whatever, because the anthropomorphic hamsters introduce their pet hamster in a ball. The hamsters have a pet hamster. Like, I've always thought it was sort of strange that Arthur Read has a pet puppy who acts like a puppy and friends who are puppies who act like humans. This ad leaves Arthur in the dust. It's like if Arthur the aardvark's pet puppy was an aardvark.
The pet hamster rolls its way into the Kia room the second the scientist hamsters hit the red button. Lasers start lasering. Before the scientist hamsters can save the pet hamster, THE LASERS LASER THE PET HAMSTER.
Don't worry, the laser doesn't reduce the hamster to a pile of dust. Do worry, the laser does turn the furry critter into what I imagine what Iggy Azalea would look like if she was turned into a hamster.
So, what do the scientist hamsters do next? They drool over their pet-turned-Iggy Hamstzalea, conceal their boners, and go to a pet shop to buy more hamsters. AND THEN THEY TURN ALL OF THE HAMSTERS INTO SEXY ANTHROPOMORPHIC HAMSTERS WHO PICK UP CHOREOGRAPHY AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT. AND ALL OF THE HAMSTERS DANCE.
Yes, I’ll acknowledge that the word "sexy" is a bizarre adjective to use when describing a rodent. But these hamsters have long shiny hair, tight outfits, boobs, and legs for days. They are "sexy" hamsters.
All of it is horrifying. Buckle up, Kristie. Buckle up.
A few notes/questions/concerns:
- What did the clerk at the pet store think when three enormous hamsters in people clothes bought all of the hamsters he had in stock?
- Is every hamster in a pet store just a sexy anthropomorphic hamster waiting to be unleashed?
- OR! Does the laser contain sexy-ifying power?
- OR!!!! Is magic involved?
- How did the pet hamsters-turned-sexy anthropomorphic hamsters feel about the sitch?
- Do the scientist hamsters not find it uncomfortable that they turned their pet into a sexy hamster who they are now attracted to?
- If Arthur had a pet aardvark and turned that aardvark into an anthropomorphic aardvark only to develop a crush on that anthropomorphic aardvark, I'd find all of it very upsetting. Call me a prude, but that is NOT my bag.
- (Yep, still stuck on the Arthur example.)
Image: Kia Motors America/YouTube