This Is What Honest Starbucks Menus Would Look Like, So Let's Stop Pretending that Frappuccino Isn't Just a Milkshake

With more than 21,000 locations in 65 countries — many of them within stumbling distance of each other — Starbucks and its cozy storefronts have come to feel like part of the fabric of our lives over the past twenty-odd years. Beloved for its selection of delightfully frothy beverages and extremely liberal bathroom use policy, Starbucks is as familiar and comforting as a second family to many of us (a second family that never judges your career choices and serves your beverages spiked through with enough caffeine to reanimate a corpse, natch).

And yet, even the most hardened Starbucks fanatic would have to admit that the coffee mega-chain is not being entirely honest with us. The truth is that, though Starbucks’ coffee-for-coffee-haters can send you flying through the most trying day at the office, and their stores are a great place to pretend to work on your screenplay, there is some gentlemanly stretching of the truth going on with these menus.

But Starbucks, we love you for who you are! Also, we have totally caught on to the fact that Frappuccinos are just melted coffee ice cream. So be real with us. We’ve provided examples below of what a Starbucks menu that was actually upfront about what is in your drinks would look like. Take heed, Green Mermaid Lady. Or we’re totally switching over to Coffee Bean. (Please don't call my bluff on this.)

And in the warmer months...

Now for the hard shit.

It's PSL time, folks.

And the desserts, er, I mean, frappes.

And the stuff the no one in their right mind orders. WTF is a "Refresher"?

Wait, don't forget the dessert menu! I mean, the baked goods menu!

And what you really wanted all along:

Illustrations By Caroline Wurtzel, who is the bomb.