No One Says Hotlanta! and 30 Other Things Only People From Atlanta Understand
Like most ATLiens, I’m not a native. But over the past six or so years, I’ve had time to learn and adapt to the ways of the newly minted ‘Hollywood of the South.' And let me tell you: I'm proud to call Atlanta, Georgia my home.
Whether you’ve only recently moved to Atlanta due to the influx of movies and TV shows being filmed in town, have been here for a long time, or are on your way in hopes that the city’s successful producers and rappers will rub off on you, there are a few things that you should know about the true nature of Atlanta.
Sure, most of our issues in life revolve around traffic (see items one through four) but we are so much more: Here is a place where most problems can be resolved through syrup and other confections, and where brunch is taken seriously — very seriously. We work and play within the city limits and rest our heads in what’s called the “metro area.” And no, saying extremely lame things like “Hotlanta” is not a thing.
If you're from here, you know what I'm talking about — because there are just some things only we here in Atlanta can truly understand. Things like...
you know there's NO SUCH AS ‘RUSH HOUR’ TRAFFIC
It's always traffic.
GOING THE SPEED LIMIT ON 285 IS A GOOD WAY TO GET YOURSELF IN AN ACCIDENT
These interstate trolls must be stopped. The speed limit was just upped to 65 in some places to help increase the flow, but basically, if you're on I-285 E and trying to go South, pace yourself, because the brakes will be pressed regularly.
...but GOING THE SPEED LIMIT ON 75/85 IS A GOOD WAY TO get the finger
...and GOING THE SPEED LIMIT ON 400 OR I-20 IS CERTIFIABLE PROOF THAT YOU ARE IN THE MATRIX
Seriously, take me with you. I'm willing to take the Blue pill. Neo was stupid.
you know THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE IN ATLANTA:
PEOPLE WHO LIVE ITP
The ITP (inside the perimeter) people think they are cool for living within city limits.
PEOPLE WHO LIVE OTP
The OTP folk know better.
AND PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN BUCKHEAD
The people in Buckhead are too busy pretending not to notice they're paying three times the price for an eighth of the space.
you know EACH AREA of atlanta HAS ITS OWN UNIQUE CULTURE
Bringing your Midtown swag to a VaHi venue is a quick way to get some fierce side-eye. Don't mix cultures. Leave your Midtown life in Midtown, go bohemian at Little Five Points, and reserve your over-relaxed "life is good" attitude for Dunwoody.
you know VIRGINIA HIGHLANDS = LIFE
Endless bars and hip restaurants line the streets. People are walking, talking, drinking ... living.
you understand the importance of trees
We love trees. They're everywhere; even in the inner city, which is apparently unheard of in most places.
and THE IMPORTANCE OF KNOWING THE TYPEs OF STREETs
We aren't really creative when it comes to naming streets. So, don't give me directions without specifying if I'm going to a street, parkway, or boulevard. There are more than 20 Peachtree Streets, so you're going to need to specify the intersections and landmarks.
...and of knowing which COUNTY YOU’RE IN
There are 39 counties within the Metro Area. Most of the city of Atlanta is in Fulton, but you could also be in Dekalb. This information becomes vital when all you have to go on is: Peachtree Street.
to you, “CLOSE” means ANY AREA THAT CAN BE REACHED WITHIN AN HOUR
We may only be 15 miles away, but that often translates into a 45-minute trip. Getting somewhere within an hour is awesome. "Around the corner" is in the 20-30 minute range.
you know FREE PARKING IS A MYTH
And to hell with whoever started this legend. You will pay to park everywhere within city limits. Every restaurant that doesn't charge you to park, will only have about five parking spaces per 15 dining tables.
and that IT's SPRING BY THE apperance of YELLOW ROADS
Don't talk to us about pollen and allergies. You know nothing! Come Spring, our flowers bloom and our roads change colors. The pollen index is always above 100.
NO ONE ACTUALLY RIDES MARTA, UNTIL EVERYONE DOES
Marta sucks. Voluntarily riding it means subjecting yourself to the unflinching stare of a sociopath in training or harassment from a mentally unstable, smelly person. So no one does, until the arrival of five separate events forces everyone to take it or face the downtown connector parking lot.
you know that the ANSWER CAN always BE FOUND AT THE BUTTERY CENTER OF A BELGIAN WAFFLE
Don't believe the hype. Taco Bell isn't where you go to squelch the rise of an impending hangover from last night's mistakes. It's Waffle House. That grease can block anything — not just your arteries.
and that brunch is serious business
If you plan on getting a table at the Highland Bakery you should leave now, or get an inside man.
you know there are only two non-alchoholic drinks: SWEET TEA AND COKE
Don't make jokes about Splenda being just as good as real sugar. No one will get it. And for the record: soda and pop are synonymous with Coke. The waiter is going to ask you if you want Coke. What she is really asking is if you want a soda, preferably a Coke.
IN A CAR JAM? CALL KEN.
All Day. All Night ... All Day. All Night.
even though it's common, RAIN scares you a little
Every drop of water from the sky that touches your windshield will increase your travel time by at least 15 minutes.
and WE HAVE SNOW WEEKS, NOT SNOW DAYS
If we can't even handle the rain (and it rains here a good bit), this weather phenomenon that causes flaky white substances to fall from the sky naturally leads to widespread panic. It's like the zombie apocalypse — and I'm not even exaggerating. Food vanishes from stores in droves. Cars spontaneously flip over and catch fire. An entire week is lost.
you know "HOTLANTA" ISN’T A THING
Please stop staying this. Don't label yourself a visitor.
HARTSFIELD-JACKSON iNFURIATES AND MAKES you PROUD
If we're taking you around town and showing you the sights, the fact that we are home to the busiest airport IN THE WORLD is going to come up.
You RISE UP
Come our annual grudge match against the New Orleans Saints, you are expected to sport that Black and Red loud and proud.
and you're likely A GEORGIA TECH FAN
It's the smart choice. Because it's Tech. There aren't any other reasons needed.
you know GRADY BABIES ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN
Most of the people currently living in Atlanta aren't really from the area, so Grady babies are proud.
even if you watch, you're sometimes embarrassed by this
but mostly, you know the haters are just jealous
I mean, have you seen where we get to live?
Yeah, I'd be jealous too.