Having a serious allergy. It is the pits. Having more than one? Don't even get me started. Or wait – do get me started because this is a subject in which I am well-versed. Being seriously allergic to anything is a lot like being a true hipster. While your friends have all just decided to start cutting out gluten, that noise has been making your tummy a white-hot mess since before it was cool. Here are 15 other struggles only people with serious allergies would understand.
Where Is My EPI-PEN?
Being "That Person" at a Restaurant
For everyone else it's so easy. "Yes I'll have the special please," or "Sure, give me all the tacos that you have!" Even the picky-eater has it on lock: "I want the French Dip with the dip on a separate plate please." But now it's your turn and you've got to start asking the parade of questions – "Are there nuts in the kitchen? Is there a gluten-free option?" – without feeling like a giant tool.
Embarrassing Hives are a Constant
"Your face is covered in hives."
"Oh, haha, yeah I know."
"Are you...like, okay?"
"Oh sure! This just, you know, happens sometimes. For reasons."
When People Don't Believe You
Suppressing your "WTF" face while someone new asks you if you're "really" allergic or "just don't like" shellfish. Also biting your tongue as you come dangerously close to making it clear that you know the difference between being really allergic and disliking something. "Shellfish will ACTUALLY kill me. You, I just dislike. See? I do know the difference!"
Choosing Safety Over Adventure
Nothing sucks harder than being a naturally adventurous person and not ordering something. You'd try the chimichangas, but being alive is also the greatest.
Reading Every Label That There Is Always
Silver lining here, you've learned some pretty killer Scrabble words.
Breaking it Down For Sexual Partners
"Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? No, seriously though, if that's a banana I will die."
Seriously, Who Has My Epi-Pen
Because you and your mammoth bag cannot be trusted, you gave your extra Epi-Pen to one of your nearest and dearest....who also has no clue where she's put it.
"Ruining" The Class Potluck
"We were going to have peanut butter cupcakes today but SOMEBODY and their insistence on "not dying" has ruined that for everyone else. HIT HER WITH ROCKS."
Every Lipstick is a Plumping Lipstick
Did you know that lipstick expires? A person with skin allergies does. If you're not sure whether or not to chuck yours, give it to an allergic friend to test and watch as her lips quadruple in size. It's like cosmetic surgery only awful.
Bringing Your Own Snacks
You always come prepared with your own snacks just in case there's nothing you can eat at the party. Too bad everyone else doesn't follow suit and makes you look like an asshole for not sharing.
You Don't Actually Like Being The Center of Attention
If you have to answer one more question about "when you found out", you are positive that you will melt into a Wicked Witch-style puddle.
People Who Just Don't Get It
"So wait, wait, wait, if I were to a put Mango in your hand, your hand would swell up?"
"What about if I took the peel off?"
"What if I put a mango in a smoothie and didn't tell you?"
"You would literally be murdering me."
Being The One Awkwardly Not Eating
You have impeccable manners, but try explaining that to your new BF's mom while pushing her homemade and impossible for you to eat entrée around your plate.
Treating Bees Like They Are Hitler
Bees do great things. They pollinate! They make honey! We don't want to shoot them and bury them in a ditch, but when it's literally our life or theirs, they have left us with no other choice.
Worrying Your Friends
True story: The day after my best friend had her baby, she was scuttling about her hospital room in a panic scouring her room for the mango salad someone had left her because she knew I was coming to visit. Talk about guilt.
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