The idea of visiting a haunted house on Halloween is scarier than pretty much any other thing I can think of. I would rather hang out with one hundred of the world's most boring people than go anywhere near a place that might have a ghost.
In 2002, I watched The Ring for less than two minutes and to this day, I have a hard time falling asleep anytime I think about a telephone ringing. It wasn't even the part where she crawls through a freakin' TV that got me — it was just the opening credits and the very idea of a long-haired swamp child crawling into my home. It was enough to scare me for the last 12 years.
You can call me a scaredy cat, because that's what I am — but I am not ashamed. As Halloween approaches, you can bet that the absolute last thing you'll find me doing is visiting a haunted house (that includes both real haunts and amusement park haunts — don't even get me started on amusement park haunts). I would much rather do literally anything else.
There are two kinds of people when it comes to Halloween: people who love being scared, and people who are not crazy. I don't mean to call people who love scary things crazy. It's just that you aren't, well, not crazy. Can't we just get dressed up in cool costumes and chill?
Here is every reason why haunted houses are the worst:
1. You feel like you are being watched.
I understand that this is how you are supposed to feel at a haunted house, but if I wanted to feel like I was being watched, I would remember that my parents can still track my phone, or that the NSA exists. Am I right?!
2. You might be around actual ghosts.
I know science can't prove the existence of ghosts, but it can't disprove the existence of ghosts, either. My logic is sound! I don't know if ghosts can travel house to house via our clothes and backpacks like bed bugs, but I vow to never find out.
3. Your true colors show.
I am a smart, strong, capable woman, but haunted houses turn me into a giant puddle of fear. Last year, I stupidly agreed to walk through a fake haunted house with a friend for Halloween. After a man with a chainsaw ran up behind us, I ran out as quickly as I could, losing a shoe in the process. It was hardly what I imagined my Cinderella moment would be like.
4. Your adrenaline spikes, and that's not good for you.
Stress isn't good for the body. We know this. So maybe we should cool it with the spooky stuff? I'm not seeking a boring adrenaline-free life, I'm just saying maybe this isn't how we should get our kicks, you know?
5. A creepy child in a white dress popping out is the least fun surprise there is.
There are so many fun kinds of surprises. For instance, a surprise birthday party, or a surprise bonus, or a surprise puppy. A surprise visit from a creepy kid or a man dressed as a serial killer is not one of them.
6. The fear will haunt you for years.
I already mentioned that 120 seconds of The Ring haunted me into my adulthood. I don't need a real life haunting experience to add to that baggage.
And finally, the biggest reason against haunted houses of all...
7. This is what people look like when they are in there.
I'm super happy these pictures of people at haunted houses exist, but at what cost...
Why is this a thing we are voluntarily doing to ourselves?! You don't have to feel this way anymore! I've never had FOMO less in my entire life.
Despite all of this, I guess I am glad haunted houses exist, if only for reaction photos to giggle at. Here's another for the road:
Image: Giphy (7)