It's National Coffee Day (yes, a thing that exists), so for all you caffeine addicts, there's no better time to excessively thrown down the brown stuff. That was meant to sound more enticing than it did.
If you're a coffee addict, you'll know exactly what I mean when I say coffee is better than people. Coffee just gets you, you know? It's always available when you need it, and it never asks for anything in return, not like dumb people who are always late and asking you for stuff.
For those of you non-coffee aficionados (I'm looking at you tea drinkers and, I'm guessing, righteous vegans), you might think I'm joking, but in actual fact I'm being very, very serious. For your consideration, here at five reasons coffee is actually better than people, not to be taken with even one tiny grain of salt.
1. Coffee Will Always Make You Feel Better
People have the ability to make you feel bad. Of course there's the Eleanor Roosevelt school of "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission" but we all know that sometimes no matter how hard we try, people can just make us feel plain old shitty, even when we don't want or expect them to. Coffee on the other hand, will make you feel like you just put some great drugs up your nose without the dangerous physical consequences or criminal repercussions. Coffee makes you feel great, all the time, and is an antidote to laziness, tiredness, hangovers, sadness, lack of motivation, social anxiety, constipation (see below) and many other ailments.
2. Coffee Accepts That You're Not A Morning Person
Whereas people will write you off as a horrible person for your surly morning behavior, coffee has got your back. Coffee knows the morning sucks and is going to do everything in its power to make your morning easier, not like the family of Italian tourists who can't figure out how to swipe their Metro cards correctly, making you miss two trains and be late for work. Coffee, more than any person, is the only one you most want to see in the morning.
3. Coffee Is Even Better When It's Cold
Cold people are either not nice people, or dead people. No one really likes a person with a cold personality, and it's illegal to like someone with a cold body. Coffee, on the other hand, can be enjoyed both warm and cold. In fact, I think it's even better cold, which is not something I can say for people.
4. Coffee Makes You Poop
It's no coincidence that your morning call of nature coincides with your first sips of coffee. What human on earth could ever move your bowels in such a perfect, Fantasia-esque symphony?
5. Even The Crappiest Coffee Is Great Coffee
Fancy barista made latte is incredible. You know what else is incredible? Bodega coffee. Drip coffee. Coffee you made yourself. Instant coffee. All kinds of coffee is great coffee. All kinds of people are not necessarily great people. Racists, for instance. Not great people. Scalding hot 75 cent filter coffee served in a paper cup from an angry dude in a sidewalk food truck? Brilliant coffee.
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