ASOS Holiday Bow Lingerie Will Make You Look Like You Belong Under a Christmas Tree — Literally

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I'm not really sure how to say this so I'm just going to dive right in: ASOS is selling something called the "Unwrap Me" Body Bow and no, it's not a literal piece of gift wrap. It's a giant red bow bodysuit (although "bodysuit" might be a generous description) that makes you look like you should be sitting under a Christmas tree backlit by twinkle lights. And not in a hot way.

The "Unwrap Me" bow is probably the ugliest piece of lingerie I've ever seen. This looks like a costume from a terrible holiday-themed porno where the gifts come to life and start having sex with creepy elves. No one can be taken seriously whilst wearing a one-piece thong that resembles a vagina sling with a shiny satin bow across the boobs. For $30.47 I'd rather buy, oh, anything other than this.

Now before I unveil the body bow in its entirety, thus causing you to never look at a gift-wrapped present the same way again, it's important to remember that this is not entirely ASOS's fault. Lingerie brand Bluebella is technically responsible for bringing the bow into existence, and for that I will never forgive them. Do you think I'm overreacting? Just wait until you see what it looks like.

I was not kidding, people. This is the "outfit" I would be forced to wear in hell. It's like the festive version of the penis-cradling asymmetrical thong that Bustle's Olivia Muenter brought to our attention several months ago. And it actually gets worse. Check out the back view.

DEAR GOD WHYYYYYY? Why are you torturing us with the "Unwrap Me" body bow? It's about climate change, isn't it? You're getting back at us for climate change. Okay, fair enough. I guess in that case we deserve all the life-size Christmas bows you can throw at us.

Images: ASOS