17 Things From Target No Human Can Resist Buying
If I don’t go to Target at least once a week, I go through massive Target withdrawal. I always “manage to run out” of toilet paper or Windex just so that I can loiter down aisle after aisle, because you never know what kitchen appliance I might totally need. Am I a Target addict? Absolutely. Am I sorry about that? Nope.
There’s nothing about Target that makes us think like rational human beings — Target’s marketing is so precise, so gorgeously manipulative, it basically sells itself. I don’t need ads reminding me to go to Target. I don’t need coupons. I don’t need commercials. In the back of my head, I’m always thinking about how I need to go to Target. Actually, scratch that. I'm not thinking about it. I don't have to think about it. The need to go to Target is simply ever-present; it's a fact of existing.
So what is it about Target that causes wild, reckless abandon (with our shopping lists, that is?) Is it because all the things are super shiny? Is it because we feel like we're saving dolla dolla bills? I conducted a survey and rounded up all the items my Facebook friends impulsively buy. Along with my own Target vices, I think this list is a pretty good representation of all the stuff we somehow magically end up buying whenever we go to Target for "carpet cleaner."
1. A fake leather crossbody purse
They may only last for two months, but are these purses and totes not the cutest things, ever? Watch out Coach! Watch out Marc Jacobs! Merona is where it’s at.
2. Holiday-themed everything
Reese's in the shape of pumpkins. Kitchen towels with orange and red leaves on them. Halloween socks. Christmas Post-its. I mean, how could you call yourself an American and NOT buy a slew of festive tchotchkes?
Soy candles, candles that smell like freshly done laundry, candles in the shape of cats: Target has an entire aisle dedicated to candles, and they are of utmost quality. The important question is whether I want my apartment to smell like pumpkin pie with a hint of vanilla ice cream or crisp linens. The decision-making challenge is so, so real.
ELF has basically revolutionized makeup forever by creating the dupiest dupes of all the dupes. No one has to know you only paid three bucks for that blush.
5. Baby stuff
I don’t even have babies and I want to buy all the miniature tutus and baby boy flannels and swaddling blankets. There's weirdly nothing better than feeling a phantom baby flutter in your currently barren baby-maker as you pass by the baby aisle, infinitely perfumed with Johnson & Johnson.
For every Burt's Bees I lose, I always have three more. I honestly don't even notice myself buying them anymore. I just wake up out of a hypnotic state in the parking lot and somehow have a new Burt's Bees in my hand. Shrug.
You know the ones. They even change how you write. You can become an entirely different person with a good pen, so this investment is obviously very important.
8. Cheez-Its and Diet Coke
A human has basic needs. No one can blame you for ever buying these things. In fact, if anyone even questions this purchase, they clearly aren't someone you need in your life.
9. Pillows with sequins, chevron, or quaint patterns on them
Eh, who cares if you already have like ten decorative pillows? One more can’t hurt, especially if it has earthy feathers on it and totally goes with your room’s ambiance.
10. A swimsuit
So what if it’s October? There is always an amazing selection of swimsuits at Target, and they’re so cheap, they’re practically free. Except they aren't actually free, and you've probably spent a collective small fortune on these alluring bastards over the years.
11. Glittery notebooks and socks from the dollar bin
“These will make the best stocking stuffers,” you say to yourself even though Christmas is forever away. Whatever. Live and let die.
12. New hand soap
Even though you already have hand soap that smells like warm vanilla, you can’t help but notice Method has a new soap called “Sweet Water” and this sounds so enticing and serene, you just absolutely need it.
Because you will never not need a new mint green polish.
14. Jersey sheets
You have like five sets at home, but how cute would yellow and gray stripes be? Making your bedroom inviting is key for a healthy REM cycle, so whatever. This purchase is for your health and well-being.
15. Yoga pants
Lululemon can kiss my yoga-toned ass (this is a lie, I don’t do yoga. I barely exercise). If I can buy yoga pants for fifteen bucks and only experience a tiny bit of shrinkage, then it’s game ON.
16. $5 DVDs
You have Netflix, but you really never know when you might need to watch Zoolander for the 20th time, amirite?
17. A colorful phone case that almost looks like Kate Spade
A phone case basically sums up your personality, so let’s not pretend we live in a vacuum, all right? Oh, speaking of vacuums…