It's autumn. You know, the fall. Everybody seems to love it when summer melts away into pensive autumn days. But you know what? I don't. I know this isn't a popular opinion but I'm saying it – I hate the fall. I hate it a lot, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Sure, it means cooler weather, a new assortment of treats at local coffee shops and a plethora of Halloween candies at the drugstore that I can buy "for the trick-or-treaters", but these delights cannot sway me. Fall: I'm not into it.
All you fall fangirls can carry on, but a pumpkin spice latte isn't going to make me forget that in a matter of weeks the ground could be covered in snow and that my lips will soon be chapped and peeling in the least sexy manner ever. Going to look at leaves doesn't make me quietly introspective, it's boring as balls and in a lot of ways, about as cool as watching water boil, only more harmful to the environment because of the gas we use getting there.
But that's not even the worst thing about fall. Oh no, there's more: Fall is the season of death. "Oh really?" I hear you say, "Isn't that winter?" NO, FOOLS. By the time winter rolls around, everything is already dead. All that autumnal beauty you weirdos are constantly celebrating? It's everything dying. You are literally in love with the golden glow of a million dying leaves. I could go on – and so I did. Here are 10 reasons I really, truly, shameless hate the fall:
1. PILES OF LEAVES ARE DEADLY, Y'ALL
Leaves don't "change", they die. Then the elderly sweep them up into massive piles for sport. These piles are filled with sharp sticks, dog crap, and sometimes bricks, yet we as a people cannot stop ourselves from hurling ourselves into them. BOO, US. BOO, LEAVES.
2. You Have to Find Other Uses For Your Shorts
You can shake your booty in your shorts at home, but forget leaving the house in them. Your legs will get mad chapped and you will be judged – by yourself and also by others. You'll have to find new uses for them, and I think this GIF proves that forcing them onto the bottom half of your household pets is a foolhardy endeavor.
3. You're brutally faced with your own mortality
During this time of year, everything is slowly dying. This is a morbid thing to realize. It often makes me realize other morbid things. Like the fact that I am dying. And so are you. And so is even Gerard Butler and my UPS man. Excuse me, I must take to my bed.
4. Everybody's Going to Make You Go Apple Picking
This year I estimate that I will go apple picking approximately thirteen thousand times. One of these times will be novel and fun. The rest of these times will involve me hiding behind a tree and bitterly excreting onto the roots to express my rage.
5. Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING
I love pumpkins. I love eating them, and carving them and placing them about my home in a decorate fashion. But you know what I don't love? This obsession with Pumpkin Spice everything. Because you know what flavor isn't in "pumpkin spice"? PUMPKIN. I TIRE OF THIS FAD. Keep your sugary, process chemical flavoring. Enjoy cancer, basics.
6. Vest Weather
It's too cool to go without an extra layer, and too warm to don a jacket. You know what that means – VESTS. You know how looks cool in a vest? Absolutely not one person. Not even Bjork or Don Draper.
7. You Can't Listen to Sad Songs
I mean, you can, but prepare to start bawling. The sadness is too real when the days start getting shorter. You might have started off thinking you were totally happy, but listen to Taylor Swift croon during the autumn months, and suddenly you're sobbing and thinking about moving upstate to start a hobby farm.
8. Very, Very Cold White Wine Becomes Less Appealing
During the summer, I am a white wine vampire. It is perfect. It is everything. Now it is slightly chillier and my beloved drink appeals to me less. I don't know who I am anymore, but whoever I may be, I now have a thirst that cannot be slaked.
9. It's Less Acceptable to Eat Fro-Yo For Every Meal
In the summer, it makes sense to eat frogurt for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. People nod at you, people high-five you in the street for your ingenuity. Eat it now that a hill has set in and prepare to be publicly spurned and/or treated like the town's lunatic.
10. What Fall ACTUALLY Means:
*Drops mic. Walks away to find sadly find a vest*
Images: Getty; Giphy(10)