I woke up this morning to find the worst had happened: Taylor Swift held her fourth 1989 Secret Session, and I was not on the guest list. And chances are, you weren't invited to Swift's latest listening party either. Well, you know how misery loves company. Sit by me, my child, as we look at the leagues of ill-lit Polaroid fan photos that illustrate the great time that was had by all at Taylor Swift's Rhode Island mansion Saturday night — all except for us, apparently. But that's fine. Because if I was invited to T. Swift's house, the absolute last thing I would want to do
What's on my list? A tea party, Sophia Grace and Rosie style, for one. And about a billion other things. Swift is a genius in so many different ways of the world that a visit spent not draining her fount of wisdom would be a total waste. As awesome as the million photos Swift Instagrammed from the event are, I'd rather not pose for pics holding up her many Grammys or random props found around her house. My bucket list for the day my name is called to set foot into one of Swift's many undoubtedly well decorated abodes is ready — and you've been warned, because it's a bit lengthy.
Try on all her clothes
This seems like the most obvious, right? Taylor Swift is my personal style icon — equal parts Anthropologie and mod in a way that somehow just works. After all, anyone who can emerge from the gym looking like Jackie Kennedy instead of a drowned rat post-workout is someone I want to take style lessons from, and Swift has been photographed in tens of outfits I'm dying to try on. Of course, her mini dresses would look like maxi dresses on me, because she's approximately two feet taller than I am, but who cares? And if she had anything she needed to get rid of, I am totally up for taking it off her hands.
Cooking lessons — Lots of them
Over the summer, I decided to get over my fear of cooking and dove head first into becoming an amateur Gordon Ramsay. I went from being a microwave-only chef to having, like, twelve different dinner recipes in my arsenal, and I'm ready to take it to the next level. Although Swift has posted the recipe for the pumpkin spice cookies she loves to make, I need more. We could prepare a meal together (and a fall-themed dessert, obvs) and maybe some of her skill would rub off on me.
Ask her to pay off my student loans
This might be a bit tacky, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Besides, would Swift even miss 30 grand? Probably not.
Get a tutorial on creating the perfect red lip
Taylor Swift could put on red lipstick with her eyes closed and look like a supermodel. I put on red lipstick, end up with about half of it on my front teeth, and my boyfriend wants to know why I'm "dressing like a clown to go to Target." Needless to say, I desperately need her help.
Bring my cats over for a playdate
Olivia Benson and Meredith Grey seem like lovely pets, and I have two cats of my own who are of similar age and cuddliness. I just have this feeling that my furry children, Rapunzel and Flynn, would have a blast with hers. And obviously, this playdate would last to a lifelong friendship between me and Swift, and we could totally share parenting advice. How the hell do I keep these guys from knocking literally everything I own off the kitchen counter in an act of quiet rebellion? I feel like she has the answer.
Take infinite selfies
Because I'm not really up for the whole Polaroid thing. If I'm hanging out with Swift, we're going to need to document it in high quality. I need photos suitable for printing, framing, and scrapbooking. Also, possibly in high enough resolution to wallpaper my house.
Tell her my life story
I just want her input. And maybe a song or two based on my own experiences with love and loss. I've suffered a lot in my life, and I feel like she could write a hit about the last time I shattered my iPhone screen. But in all seriousness, Swift has a way about her that makes me feel like she could solve any emotional or relationship problem I had.
Get really drunk
Don't act like this isn't on your list, too. Swift and I could drink vodka cranberries and talk about the great loves of our lives, and then cry together, because I feel like she handles her alcohol about just as well as I do. And if, in her drunken state, she invites me back for another visit? That would be okay, too.