Yesterday, TIME published a somewhat inexplicable article entitled, “15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Over 30.” It’s ridiculous for a lot of reasons, so naturally, the Internet’s reaction has been swift and hilarious: Vox penned a piece called “13 Women Explain Why They Date Men With Bubonic Plague”; Gawker wrote one called “15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Ghosts”; and Twitter has had a particularly fine turnout, with some highlights including @lindsaylmiller (“Are you a man? Are you dating a wizened husk of a woman over the age of 30? EXPLAIN YOURSELF”) and @alivingiano (“This article is wrong. There are NO single women over 30. After 25 women either get married or instantly die”). Points also go to Wonkette for the most succinct response of them all.
Now, anyone who writes on the Internet for a living will invariable cover goofy, silly topics every now then. It happens. In fact, it happens frequently (says the woman who waxed poetic about pizza bedding a mere few hours ago). I think the thing that’s rubbing so many people the wrong way about this particular goofy, silly topic, though, is the fact that really, why is it necessary that guys explain why they date women over 30 in the first place? In some ways, I suppose it can be seen as a response to OKCupid’s recent finding that all men (at least on its site) are attracted to women in their 20s…. But the take that most of us had on that particular piece of data analysis is that it ultimately didn’t matter. And it still doesn’t. No one needs to explain to anyone why they date the people they date — nor should they be required to.
So with all this ridiculousness in mind, I couldn’t help but think, Gee, were there any other options for this list that TIME rejected on the grounds of WTF? Because whoever was on the job over there clearly let something slip through the cracks. What if we’d ended up with something like these?
1. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Bananas
“Bananas over 30 have stopped putting metal through their peels, which makes it easier to kiss them. And they’ve figured out their ripening-in-a-paper-bag routine, so they won’t keep you waiting as long when you’re trying to have breakfast.” — Anonymous, 49 (seeing somebanana)
2. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Cats
“They know what they want. There is more of an end game, and it’s usually to get you to feed them or scratch their ears. So if you meet their criteria, they’re good.” — Jack, 27 (has a catfriend)
3. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Fine Wines Over 30
“Generally more expert at the multisensory/theatrical aspects of the whole dance. Have you ever learned properly how to do a wine tasting? That sh**’s complicated!” — Anonymous, 30 (single)
4. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Cersei Lannister
“We have similar life experiences and similar ambitions for the Iron Throne. It’s a little more comfortable.” — Osmund Kettleblack, 36 (it’s complicated)
5. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Bicycles
“I always liked bicycles for their maturity, self-confidence, and poise, finding those qualities quite attractive and usually absent in non-bicycles.” — Chris, 45 (in a long-term bikelationship)
6. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Fancy Cocktails with Little Paper Umbrellas in Them
“Much better drinks.” — Anonymous, 32 (actively sitting at a Tiki bar right now)
7. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Cars
“They are more stable.” — Pete, 29 (just started seeing a car)
8. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are Sequoia Trees
"When I was in my 20s, I was drawn to sequoia trees because it gave me a certain level of confidence because it was established. It’s not as needy.” — John, 34 (“not married")
9. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Television Shows That Aired on Nickelodeon in the '90s
“I think television shows that aired on Nickelodeon in the '90s are in their prime. The Big Orange Couch, the way that they slime themselves — for me something about it screams TV.” — Benjamin, 28 (single)
10. 15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Who Are the Internet
“Given that I’m a Millennial, I can’t really relate to dating someone who’s not the Internet — too much of a technological difference.” — Jason, 26 (single)