If 'Game of Thrones' Characters Were Taylor Swift Songs
Unfortunately for fans of both Taylor Swift and Game of Thrones, the worlds of catchy pop ballads and Westeros will likely never collide. And the chances of Swift penning a brooding and dark Game of Thrones -inspired tune for the show is a pipe-dream. But if you think about it, the two universes have more in common than you may realize: Taylor Swift sings about relationships, the joys of being young, and the importance of friendship. Game of Thrones centers around unhealthy and inappropriate sexual relations, the hardships of being any age (let alone living past 40), and the importance of knowing who your enemies are.
OK, so the two pop culture phenomenons couldn't be more different (although Taylor Swift's "Love Story" music video kingdom does look a bit like King's Landing), but do I really need a justification to pair the two in a single article? I think not. BEHOLD, your favorite Game of Thrones couples if they were actually Taylor Swift songs. Obviously, Game of Thrones spoilers below. Apologies in advance, Mr. Martin.
Shae & Tyrion — "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"
After their relationship got off to a rocky start (i.e. Tyrion was paying Shae for sex), we ended up rooting for this couple, even though Father Tywin Lannister explicitly said "no whores" in King's Landing. But in the end, Shae and her "Lion" could not be. She testified against him in court, and he ended up — no big deal — strangling her to death. So it's safe to say that while this relationship had it's sweet moments, Shae and Tyrion are never — and I mean never — ever getting back together.
Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish & Sansa Stark — "You Belong With Me"
Let's get the gross factor out of the way: Petyr Baelish could have been Sansa's father. He literally told her, "I could have been your father" before forcing his face on her face. Littlefinger has admitted to only loving one woman in his life — Sansa's mother, Catelyn Stark — and probably sees Sansa as the next best thing. Yuck. Their relationship is manipulated by the fact that Littlefinger constantly reminds Sansa he is saving her — from a worse life, from evil suitors, and even from death. Taylor Swift's mildly passive-agressive ballad, "You Belong With Me" perfectly encapsulates Littlefinger's feelings towards half-his-age Sansa.
Jon Snow & Ygritte — "Dear John"
Despite the obvious name, which for our purposes will be referred to as "Dear Jon", there are other reasons for selecting this song as Bastard Jon Snow and Ygritte's love ballad. If we imagine Ygritte is writing this about her beloved Snow, it all make sense. Taylor Swift croons, "And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand..."
If there was one word to describe the duo's relationship, it's heated. A constant he said/she said and for good reason: Ygritte's people are trying to hunt down and kill Jon Snow's clan, and vice versa. Swift continues, "Be played by your dark, twisted games? When I loved you so, I should've known." Oh, to be a young wildling in love.
Jaime & Cersei Lannister — "Mine"
Brother and sister Jaime and Cersei's twisted romance, known by fans as "twincest" is one of the most fun relationships to follow on the show, and Taylor Swift's "Mine" couldn't encapsulate it better. She sings, "You are the best thing that's ever been mine/ Flash forward and we're taking on the world together." The duo are certainly taking on King's Landing, and a throne isn't out of the question. And it gets better.
Swift sings: "You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded/You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes..." LOLZ. Secrets, parents' mistakes... oh, it's all too much. Lucky for the twincest pairing, papa Tywin is dead and gone. One hurdle down, 99 to go.
Ned & Catelyn Stark — "Long Live"
Choosing "Long Live" for Ned and Cateyln Stark, who are both now diseased on the timeline of the show, is very bittersweet. As fans of the show know, Ned Stark was brutally beheaded at the end of Season 1, marking the first time an audience favorite would succumb to George R. R. Martin's mortality disease. Taylor Swift sings, "We were the kings and the queens," (of Westeros) "You held your head like a hero" (until they chopped it off), "Long live all the mountains we moved/I had the time of my life/Fighting dragons with you..." D'awww. R.I.P. Ned and Catelyn!
Arya Stark & Gendry Waters — "Place in This World"
While Arya and Gendry might not be a real romantic couple, we sure were shipping them from day one. Arya, who is the strongest and bravest little lady on the show, needs a man (boy?) like Gendry around to keep her company. Swift's "Place in This World," encapsulates Arya's station perfectly. She sings, “I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong, oh but life goes on/Oh, I’m just a girl, trying to find a place in this world...”
Stannis Baratheon & Melisandre — "Red"
Stannis Baratheon and Melisandre, aka The Red Woman's romance is personified in "Red". Swift sings, "But loving him was red/Oh, red/Burning red..." — All red errything!
Joffrey Baratheon & Margaery Tyrell — "Mean"
If anyone deserves to feel the wrath of Taylor Swift, it's King Joffrey. Can you imagine what sort of breakup ballad Swift would craft for his highness? The king of cruel, Joffrey deserves every bit of vicious rhetoric Swift could throw his way. Joffrey's relationship with Margaery, his lovely bride-to-be, can be summed up in "Mean".
She sings, "You, with your words like knives/And swords and weapons that you use against me" (Quite literally in J's case). She continues, "And your wildfire lies and your humiliation..." If you recall, episode 9 of Season 2, there was a literal wildfire at Blackwater in which Joffrey fled from when his mother recalled him from the battlefield. And humiliation? Oh, that's Joffrey's favorite past time. "All you're ever gonna be is mean/Why you gotta be so mean?" Sing it, Swift!
Daenerys Targaryen & Khal Drogo — "Untouchable"
To be fair, the Khal Drago/Dany dynamic is one of the most effed up in Game of Thrones existence. Dany was practically sold as a sex slave to Khal, but because she's a smart cookie, she figured out how to make Khal fall in love with her, and subsequently fell in love with him herself. After the initial shock of their twisted relationship wore off, we fell for Dany & Khal. We rooted for them, and we swooned every time they called one another, "Moon of my life" and "My sun and my stars". And for this reason — and a whole lot of extraterrestrial references — "Untouchable" is the perfect song for this couple.
Taylor swings: "When I'm in this dream/It's like a million little stars/Spelling out your name/You gotta come on, come on/Say that we'll be together/Come on, come on/Little taste of Heaven"
Image: HBO; Tumblr