18 Tons of Crisco Have Been Stolen, But What On Earth Are the Thieves Planning to Do With It?

Thefts of strange and unusual objects litter history, but this one has to be the absolute weirdest: Someone stole 18 tons of Crisco. I wish I were kidding… but I am not. Someone thought, “Gee, you know what I really want right now? 36,000 pounds of vegetable shortening” — and then they actually went through with it. Did anyone else’s mind just explode the teeniest, tiniest bit?

According to the St. Petersburg Tribune, a tractor-trailer holding the aforementioned Crisco disappeared recently from a towing yard in St. Petersburg, Florida; it reappeared on Monday in South Florida, but its contents were nowhere to be seen. Although the Crisco sticks (apparently the purloined shortening was in stick form, rather than in tubs) were slated to be delivered to the Publix distribution center in Lakeland, alas, they will never reach their destination. I wonder if it’s lonely, wherever it is. Is it sad knowing that it will never be put to its intended purpose?

Of course, there’s really only one question everyone has on their minds right now, and Consumerist went ahead and asked it: “What use could anyone possibly have for 18 tons of stolen Crisco?” I’ve attempted to answer that question with a list of increasingly bizarre things for which one might use that much shortening. How am I doing, Crisco thieves? Am I getting warmer?

1. Set the Guinness World Record for Largest Biscuit

Okay, so technically the Guinness World Record’s Largest Biscuit category goes to “biscuit” in the British sense — that is, a cookie — but hey, there’s always room for a new category. Largest Pastry? Most Monstrous Baked Good? Something like that? For the curious, the current Largest Biscuit record holder is a chocolate chip cookie made by the Immaculate Baking Company in Flat Rock, North Carolina. It weighed 40,000 pounds and had a diameter of 101 feet.

2. Season a Zillion Brand New Cast-Iron Skillets

They’re not just going to season themselves. Well, I mean, they will, if you give them enough time — but if you want a shortcut, all you need to do is spread 'em with Crisco and bake 'em at 200 degrees F for a few hours, and voilà. Well-seasoned skillets abound.

3. Grease an Absurd Number of Locks

Maybe this was just step one for a rash of robberies that are about to get carried off across the country — or even the world.

4. Remove Lipstick Stains from a Department Store’s Entire Stock of Clothing

This seems a little counterintuitive to me — why would I want to replace a lipstick stain with a grease stain? — but apparently it works: Rubbing a little Crisco on a lipstick-stained piece of clothing and pouring club soda over it will magically make the stain disappear. Now as to why you’d need to remove lipstick from that much clothing? That’s anyone’s guess.

5. Supply an Industrial Bakery With the Crisco They Need to Function

Maybe the bakery is failing. Maybe the thieves are the Robin Hood of bakery supplies. Maybe they’re just trying to make sure there’s enough cake to go around.

6. Provide Makeup for 80 Bajillion Clowns

Fun fact: You can use shortening to make clown makeup. Just mix two parts corn starch to one part Crisco, add a couple drops of food coloring, and you’re good to go. Maybe the thieves are trying to start a circus? Or a clown school? Or — wait! I know! It's for the clowns that are currently terrorizing America!

7. Jump Start an Underground Crisco Wrestling Ring

The first rule of Crisco Club is you don’t talk about Crisco Club.

Anyone else have any ideas to add? Because seriously, you guys. I must know.

Images: YoAmes/Flickr; Giphy (7)